Mosaicked Feelings

Afterword

A small tear crept into my eye, sliding against my heated skin, and I looked away.

"But hey... I'm here for you okay?" He whispered in reassurance, clutching my soulless hand in his. An instantaneous flash of a painful reminder projected in his eyes before he tried to compose himself to continue. "I know how it feels like,"

That made me meet his penetrating gaze again, which seemed full of despair. I remained silent, as a cue for him to continue and he started. "My mum... She took her life too because she was schizophrenic,"

"Schizophrenic?"

"Yeah." He gulped, trying to compose himself, while clutching my hand in his. "I mean she was diagnosed with it. It was a delusional disorder, and she experienced auditory hallucinations,"

I seemingly flinched at the mere thought of him still purposefully trying to insinuate the resemblance between me and my so-called schizophrenia label that he had put on me. But I pushed that thought aside, for now, not wanting to act all self-centred.

"How did it happen?"

"I still don't know the cause of this, but I can tell it's not something normal. It's just probably severe long-term trauma, or maybe just genetics, I don't know." He shrugged, mimicking my wide-eyed gaze. "But... But when she did find out that she was suffering from the disorder, she didn't handle it very well. I remember her... She ran to a mental asylum, right before she took her life there. I was only thirteen at the time..." He inhaled a sharp breath, trying to regain his breaking state. "And now, when you did that, I just felt like it was all repeating. Until I finally saw you alive. And I, for the first time felt like I could help someone."

I silently listened to him, unsure of how to respond to all of the information he was sharing. The overwhelming amount of hurt begun to feel like my heart would give out at any moment. "Edward... I'm so sorry to hear that... I don't know what to say... I-I hope she's in a better place now." I gasped between my trembling breathing. "I'm so sorry for whatever I did, I never meant to do it..."

And for the first time, I felt scared. Scared of letting go of life.

"Michelle, I'm trying to help you. We can fix everything again together, if you only trust me," He turned towards me, hopefulness and optimism brimming in his subtle gaze. "And I know I've done things, I'm not the most proud of, but I had no choice Michelle. But I want you to know it because I don't want to hide anything from you," He spoke more to himself rather than to me. His words led me to more suspicions and doubts, but he intervened between my incoming suppositions. "And I'm so, so glad you're back." He breathed, his voice laced with so much pain, as he finally threw the small stub of the finished cigarette.

"Edward..." I whispered, wanting to voice out the voices in my head. "What is it?" I had started to feel a little worked up at his constant hints.

"Do you still promise not to leave me again?" He asked again, and I slowly nodded, a little confused. "Promise me,"

I hesitated before quickly answering. "Edward, you can trust me. I promise I won't,"

"I just did it because I didn't want to lose you... Because you were feeling so paranoid and anxious without me, and I couldn't just let you self-medicate with anxiety pills, I had to do this just because you weren't ready for therapy at that time and I understand but-" He begun randomly ranting, and I couldn't quite tell where he was going with this.

"Edward tell me already," My hoarse voice came out, desperate.

"I'm just trying to help you, that's all. I think I mixed some wrong medicine in your drink that I once took you out for with me. It was prescribed to Mum, but I didn't know it could've worsened your state and..." He clutched his hair in his hand, trying to console himself more than me. "I didn't mean to hurt you okay? I think you got more anxious after that drink and you must've decided to end your life because of that... Because of me and I know it's my fault, so please give me a chance to fix this," He resumed his crossword of my assumptions.

"I only did it just so you would stop suspecting me of having wrong intentions for you... All I have for you is love. Just please don't ever think otherwise," He finally concluded and I looked at him in utter surprise and shock, my mind going crazy with all the information.

With an encouraging smile, he continued. "But I'm so glad you're back," he exhaled, pulling me into him again.

I was finally able to put the pieces together but I couldn't believe he was still on the same venture to prove some sort of point to me on how I was not sane enough to handle myself.

I didn't reply to him though, feeling lost in my own sea of numbness and blank emotions. He finally embraced me into a fulfilling hug, whispering to me, "Just don't do that again,"

The truth was, as long as Edward was with me was when I felt the most sane. It was as far away as I walked away from him, the further I felt from myself. I'd feel unnecessary thoughts and think of unspecified emotions, whenever he wasn't around and I was very codependent on him. Right now the numbness from the reconciliation, I endured was soothing on its own accord, and I didn't want to let that go.

No matter what mistakes he made and all the bad things that happened between us, they felt very bland and driven by someone else, most probably Hannah. I could only blame him so much for her doings.

"Okay... It's okay." I nodded back, not wanting to meet his grief-stricken gaze. "I still love you Edward," I spoke after some time and I felt his body still for a moment, his grip tightening on me again.

He pulled away from me a little to look at me with a gleaming smile, that melted my insides. "Thank you... Thank you for believing me. I love you more." He brought his lips near mine, pecking them slightly. "We could finally marry now." He let out a sigh of relief, a smile marring his now hopeful face. I smiled back a little, automatically giving in to his affectionate gestures, and nodded in return.

I was ready to start my new life with him.

Perhaps we were all a little crazy on different spectrums. We just needed to choose which kind were we really willing to put up with.

And perhaps every lover was delusional, unless reality sets in, that was, the end.