Cold and Ash

chapter 21

It was raining outside the window as I stared out. It had been two weeks since we arrived in London. Our cousin was gracious enough me to let me stay with her for sometime. There always was an emphasis that I was here temporarily. As if I was thinking of staying here forever.

Our cousin was quite well off than us. Alis was busy with college as I passed my time with Miss Caroline. She was a distant cousin of ours and she had never married despite having wealth. She was in her mid- fourties'. I never found anyone worthy and had enough wealth to sustain me without need of a husband after-all. She had emphasised as she looked pointedly at me.

"Miss Simpson," She called me. "What are you doing sitting over there?"

"Nothing at all," I replied in a monotone voice.

"Gracious. If someone heard you speak, they would think your quite unwell dear," said Miss Caroline.

Sighing I turned around and walked up-to her.She  was wearing a deep red gown, expensively made and adjourned with small jewels. She was pretty and had brown hair and striking hazel eyes. I knew she disapproved of my plain clothing and my plain way of being- as she had called it.

Society engagements and keeping up with the upper class was very important to her. She often talked of the big dinners and huge balls she attended.

I sat down and tried to look a little upbeat. Ever-since leaving home, my mood was constantly down.
My thoughts drifted off to Mr. Arthur, the kiss we had shared and the way he had held me. My hands trembled as I remembered how he had cared for me; as if he had truly... I stopped my train of thought. It was no use dwelling on something and someone that could never be mine. Before he left that night, Mr. Arthur had looked at me with anguish. I had held his hand as I walked him to the door of the house.

He had looked at me then. His eyes trailing all over my face, my eyes, my hair, my lips. As if to memorise me. His hand had lifted to fix a piece of  my hair, and I placed my face against his palm-holding it there.

"I am sorry." He had said swallowing.

I nodded as understanding dawned on me. This was his goodbye, and his apology for everything that had happened between us. My eyes looked up at him, urging him to go away, to not make this any harder than it had to be.

"My father would destroy you if he finds you," He said. I couldn't say anything in reply.

"Do you understand? You should never pretend to know me and acknowledge me and if we ever cross paths again, you should regard me as nothing more than a mere acquaintance." He said as if he was decreeing an order that had to be followed. If we ever crossed paths— he didn't think we will meet again. I nodded as my throat tightened and tears filled my eyes.

"Goodbye Ashley," He had said as he swallowed and walked away. Not looking back at me again.

"Don't go." I almost said it out loud. But whatever I felt didn't need to be said.

It felt like I was mourning the loss of two people instead of one, as I had stared at his back— till he disappeared in the fog. Disappeared for my life all together.

That was two weeks ago but it felt like just moments had passed since then. He hadn't come to see me off in the morning as we had left on the train to London. Throughout the journey I was quiet. A stillness had settled within me and there seemed to be no cure for it. Alis was worried for me. A knowing look was on her face as she stared at me. It seemed she had added up what was up with me.

I tried to forget it all. It was for the better. I told myself. If James ever found out about this, he would be heart broken. It didn't matter. Enough was enough. Even if my heart sang a different tone, I knew that what I wanted could never be possible.