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CHAPTER FIFTEEN. a change of heart.
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NOT ONCE IN MY LIFE has twenty minutes felt like such an extensive sum of time. My phone remains clutched in my shaky palm from the exact point when JJ hung up on our call, assuring me that he's 'on his way'. As promising as his statement sounded, there are only so many levels my chest continue tightening to, so many choked breaths I can take, before I drop dead. I feel like shit — I say that plainly and bluntly because it's true. How would you react when your boyfriend cheated on you with the one person you've ever been afraid to lose?
I hate myself for not hating Lola. I can't do it, trust me on the fact that I'm trying to, but it's about as possible as staying sober is. All that keeps circling my brain is the thought that Jason now has full control over both her and me, how we're puppets with the same puppetmaster, and how she'll end up hurt like me. God forbid she reaches my level of misery, because I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. It's haunting, it's consuming, it's dependant. It's an addiction, and I don't need it to become an epidemic.
The more I get lost in my spiral, I feel my legs begin to give out, the bare skin on the back of my legs meeting the cold floor tiles; a feeling that should phase me, but I seem to have lost all sense of human emotion. I'm left a teary mess, the only thing holding me in a seated position being the bathtub my back is rested on. Being in a public space is something that doesn't cross my mind anymore. I've been through an inexplicable amount of shit recently, why should I care about other people in the process?
Yet, I care about JJ. That blond Maybank boy inhabits every inch of my brain, like a parasite that's feasting on my thoughts. I suppose I let him do that, it's not like I'm doing anything to stop it, nor anything that suggests I want it to. I don't want him to stop, because I roped him into my life in the first place. My actions lead me to the most cursed miracle known to man, and the worst thing is that I've no idea on how to go about this without hurting him.
Hurt is all I know — just take a long, hard look at me. I'm a filthy pile of wreckage tied together with a bow, making me just about presentable for those I want to torture. The facade of red ribbons and doe eyes is simply that because, the second someone touches me, they turn to stone, and I destroy them. Mercilessly, since I have no knowledge of selflessness. If I was eve the slightest bit selfless, I wouldn't let JJ anywhere near me. I wouldn't let him touch me, but I will. I'll kill for that touch, because ultimately it'll be a cure for my suffering. Far too many people have hurt me, I am not the villain for reciprocating that.
