Angels deserve to die-Larry Stylinson

chapter 13 (edited)

liam ended up telling management that i relapsed, they couldn't understand why louis and i weren't at the interviews and they couldn't dodge the question. they want me to get more help, after sitting in a conference room with a bunch of industry professionals i managed to convince them that it was just a slip up and that i'm okay. while that's not necessarily the case they seemed to believe it.

ive feeling less suicidal but after my relapse all i've wanted to do is continue self harming but i've been trying my absolute hardest to not. it's so fucking hard. i've convinced myself that i have to tell the boys how much i'm struggling and hope that they can help me without having to get someone else involved. which leads me to sitting in the living room of the suite we're staying in waiting for them to come join me. as i talk them through what's going on and how badly i had been feeling they decided on asking my how badly i want to cut. they're asking me on a scale of one to ten how bad the urge is.

-
a few weeks after the discussion we sat and ate dinner together at the table in our suite and i felt horrible. as much as i wanted to go to my room i went straight to the couch in the living room. isolation doesn't help and if i had gone to my room i would have cut. louis was doing the dishes, and i could see liam and niall talking over who would be the one to come talk to me. it ended up being niall.

"hey, are you okay?" he asked me with a worried expression

a harsh laugh escapes me "am i ever?"

his face goes from worried to strict "yeah, maybe not right now and maybe not even most of the time but you are okay"

i start playing with the strings on my jeans, wanting something to do "just feels like i'll never escape this" i say quietly

"escape what" he asks me

"all these thoughts"

he nods and stays quiet for a bit before asking "one to ten?"

i sigh loudly knowing he isn't going to like the answer "nine"

"harry what's going on up here?" he asks sadly, tapping my head

"i really want to cut, so fucking badly"

"you're saying this want but you have to focus on what you need" he says softly

"it would be so much easier if i gave into the relapse" i think out loud. i can see alarms going off in niall's head once i say this.

"you'd be dead" he stated flatly

i chuckle and say "like i said it'd be easier" tears start to well up in my eyes at my own words. is that what i really want right now? to be dead? reverting back to before the boys knew anything?

maybe i would be better off dead

throughout my thought process niall has called over the other boys. they're sitting down now

"harry's having a hard time tonight" niall stated briefly. louis is sitting on the floor in front of the couch i'm laying on, he grabs my hand. the simple touch brings even more tears to my eyes and i have to squeeze them shut to prevent them from spilling over.

"do you want to talk it through?" liam asks me, i shrug not knowing what to do

"what are you feeling?" louis asks softly, love lacing his words even now. of course all their words are laced with love but his are different.

"worthless, stupid, want to cut, want to die" i say simply, taking my other hand and wiping a tear away from my eye

"you're feeling suicidal?" louis asks, to which i nod my head "one to ten for that?"

the words spill out of my mouth before i can even think about them "nine for cutting, nine for dying"

it's funny really, seeing all the alarmed looks take place on their faces at the same time. funny in a very very sad way.

"you don't have a plan or anything do you?"niall asks

"no plan, but i keep thinking about cutting myself until i bleed to death. hit an artery or something"

"that sure as hell sounds like a plan to me" liam says darkly, i wipe another tear away.

"do we need to go to the hospital?" louis asks, worry flooding his eyes.

i shake my head, tears spilling out as i think about what i'm going to say "no i just need you guys to be here with me tonight, please?"

they all look at each other, talking silently trying to figure out the best action plan

"what would you have cut with?" louis asks

"i have two extra blades in our room" i sigh, worried what they'll say to me

"you've had them this whole time?" niall says, sounding defeated

"but i haven't used them. i haven't cut since the last time you guys know about" i say as if that makes it any better

i feel a hand be placed on my leg and then hear liam say "thank you for not using them"

"where are they" niall asks and i let him know of their hiding places. he's up in a flash to get them.

"we're really proud of you for telling us all of this" louis tells me

"it's not easy but it's getting easier as a i do it" i say, wiping another tear away

niall comes back but makes his way into the kitchen "what are you doing" liam asks

i hear rummaging "if he's not going to the hospital after what he told us tonight then i'm gonna make it impossible for him to cut himself." he's holding a bucket that we bring with us in case of sickness and filling it with knives from the kitchen and shaving razors from bathrooms

"fair enough" i say out loud. louis squeezes my hand. niall disappears but is back quickly. without the bucket now.

"it's locked away" he says simply and i nod my head

"thanks for looking out for me you guys" i say quietly

"we love you harry, we'd do anything for you" niall says, softer in his tone now. i smile at him

"is there anything else you want to talk about tonight?" louis asks

i shake my head "can we watch a movie or something?"

we watched a disney movie that night, i woke up with a kink in my neck from falling asleep on louis. we all fell asleep on the couches that night none of us going to our beds.

in general, but especially that night i'm thankful for the rating system. it'll only work if i'm honest but i'm trying really hard to be honest. recovery relies on honestly, relapse relies on lies.