A Silent Hope

Chapter Twenty

I tossed and turned in bed that night, not finding the will to just sleep. I wanted to sleep, desperately, but my mind was split between two people. On one side, Thalia was bringing all these new feelings to the surface. On the other side of my mind, old memories taunted me.

I knew what I had to do if I decided to go further with Thalia. I knew even then that it would take time with her. I was only a friend now, someone she was just beginning to let in. Thalia deserved my full attention if I wanted her.

I got up and grabbed some clothes to get dressed. In a few short minutes I was on my bike and heading to the city. The drive was long and tiring, but after six hours I was parked in front of her new home.

Helmet in hand, I stood after ringing the doorbell. There were voices coming from inside, then footsteps nearing before the door opened.

"Mac, hey." Julian was there dressed for work in his suit, tie and jacket not on yet.

"Hey." I entered when he made way. "Sorry for showing up unannounced."

"No worries. Bella's in the kitchen." He patted my back and went in another direction.

I gripped my helmet in my hands and slowly walked to the kitchen. Bella was sipping a glass of juice while staring down at her phone. I cleared my throat, giving a knock on the wall too.

Soft brown eyes glanced up and down, glancing up again when she realized it was me. "Mac." I noticed her eyes lit up and her smile. She moved, presumably to walk to me but changed her mind. "You're here."

"Yeah. I, uh, wanted to talk to you. About something. Things. Heading to the school?" I asked when I saw her attire.

"Yes, but not for another couple of hours. I have an appointment in an hour." She put her glass down and gestured to the dining table.

I followed her there and sat on one end, putting my helmet on the table. "I'm sorry, I should've called."

"You don't have to call." She shook her head with the same comforting smile I always knew as she sat across from me. "How have you been?"

"Good. I've been good. Real good." I mumbled and clasped my hands together. "Are you and Julian enjoying married life?"

"Mac,"

"I really do want to know."

"Yeah, we are. Not always perfect but, we're good."

"That's good. I want you to be happy."

Our conversation paused when Julian walked in fully dressed. "I'm leaving. I'll see you later, honey." He bent and kissed his wife's head.

I held in a smile as Bella flushed red at the gesture and endearment.

"Okay. Have a good day." She returned softly.

"Good to see you, Mac." He held his fist out to me.

I touched it with mine. "You too." I laughed out when he left, unable to contain it because Bella remained red. "You were never good at PDA."

"Don't start with me." She chuckled while trying to glare at me, then she sighed.

"What?" I asked.

A shrug. "Just felt nice to laugh with you. What is it you wanted to talk about?"

Nervousness came then, my hands sweaty. "I met someone. She's great, we're not together but she's a friend. I like her."

"Is that a good thing?" Bella asked softly, her tone the exact same one as the day I told her about the first girl I felt strongly for.

"Yes. I'm not sure what's going to happen or if I'm going to tell her how I feel, or if she even feels the same. But I know I want to see where it goes and develops. I want what I feel to grow." I got up and stood behind the chair, gripping it.

"She'd be lucky to have you, Mac."

I licked my lips, rubbing my forehead to focus my thoughts. They were all jumbled up and my head was beginning to hurt. "Thalia needs love. A steady love, unwavering. A permanent love, and I want to give that to her. So I came to see you, to make sure I was capable of doing so. Worthy of loving her the way she deserves and wants to be loved. I came here to ensure I'm no longer in love with you."

"And are you?"

"I'll always love you, Belle. You're my best friend, been so far too long for me to lie and say I don't. But I'm here to say something. I needed to say it and for you to hear me say it."

"Then say it." A gentle push, eyes as soft as ever.

I locked eyes with her, pushing aside my nerves. "I'm letting you go. I'm letting go of all the things I pictured with you, hoped to have with you. I'm letting go of the future I saw with you. Of the love I so desperately wanted at one time. I'm not letting my best friend go, I'm just letting go of the woman I fell in love with."

Belle nodded with a smile. "I'm happy for you Mac."

I breathed out and hesitated with my next words. "You were right, you know. About you not being the love of my life. I did love you, truly. I really did, but you're not her."

"No, I'm not. It's different, right?"

"It's...intense and so...worth it." I sat with a groan. "I'm not even sure what to do with myself the days I don't see her or talk to her."

"Seems to me like you're already in love." She wiggled her eyebrows.

"I'm in...strong like. With the possibility of love." I whispered, my thoughts slowly drifting to the woman back in Crystal Valley.

-E