To Be A Champion

Chapter 44: Failed Transmissions

"Seeing how Tom had a different plan, I doubt he would have let that happen," Sam replies, and I look at him with bleary eyes.

"He would have not wanted us to split up. Then this wouldn't have happened. He wouldn't be nearly dead from blood loss!"

Sam frowns at me. "He's not going to die, Callista. He's going to be okay."

I want to believe that. It was just a flesh wound, a shot just below the knee, so close to the kneecap but not hitting the bone. I'm sure if it had been an inch higher, getting him out of there would have been even harder.

But there's a little whisper I hear that tells me how flesh wounds can turn into something worse. And everything with us somehow gets worse, goes wrong. Why would that be any different?

Sam rocks me back and forth in his arms as if that will do anything to calm the storm raging inside of me. It's a whirlwind of guilt, anger, and fear. It mounts and mounts and leaves a ringing, shirking sound in my mind that can't seem to make its way past my lips. The only things I can produce are more tears and the occasional whimper or sob.

I still cling to him like my life depends on it, fingers grubbing his shirt and leaving wrinkled fabric in its wake. His touch keeps me sane, as sane as I can be.

Soft footsteps meet my ears, and my head snaps up to see Jody in the doorway. Her eyes are red-rimmed, her small frame shaking with thinly veiled sorrow and poorly hidden rage.

"I'm so-" I start, but she cuts me off.

"Don't," She says, and my mouth clicks shut. "It's not you I'm mad at."

I nod, a bitter taste in my mouth. "Shona."

Her jaw clenches just at her name. "I'm going to kill her and every one of those bloody skincoats."

Her violent words shake the room. Sam fidgets but doesn't let me go. From his face, I think he'd rather die than let me go.

"How's Tom?" He asks, and Four shakes her head.

"Still in surgery. I..." She takes in a shaky inhale. "I think there's been a complication. No one's really said anythin', obviously, but I don't think it should be takin' this long."

She wipes her face hastily before looking at me. "And how are you, Five?"

"Wishing it had been me instead. And I'm not saying that for sympathy. You can be mad at me, you know. I wouldn't blame you."

"You're blaming yourself enough for the both of us," She replies casually, and I laugh. It's dry and lacks humor.

"Guess you're right." It's another multiple moments before I speak up again. "He kept telling me to leave him while in the caves." I won't meet anyone's eye, although I can feel their gaze on me. "He genuinely thought we were going to die down there, or that he was, anyway."

"But he didn't. That's what matters, Callista," Sam says.

I swallow as more tears run down my face. My nose feels stuffy. "I know."

I wish I knew how to put it into words. I wish I knew how to tell them why it hurts so much, why the guilt is so overwhelming even when I wasn't the one who shot Tom, nor was I the one who suggested splitting up. But nothing really feels right in my head. The words don't make sense if I say them out loud.

But Tom... has been left behind before. I've seen his memories. I know about the mission that led to him being captured and put into an Algerian prison cell. Yet I don't know anything about what happened while he was in that prison. He's told Jody about it, of course, but all Peter and I know about are the nightmares and the words carved into his skin. Some have been covered by tattoos, but most aren't.