Just A Flicker Of Hope - L.S.

Chapter 2

Louis doesn't sleep, he sits in the living room with the TV playing god knows what on low volume and Zayn cuddled into his side. He has been opening up his phone and staring at the blank message for hours, it's kind of starting to become a habit but he knows he needs to send it.

Before Zayn fell asleep, he was helping Louis come up with intros or ideas to send but Louis is an overthinker, he was never good at being reckless, which is odd because his life screams 'reckless failure'. Louis stares at the TV and wonders what it would be like to live a somewhat normal life.

Louis wasn't normal, he couldn't sleep much, he worked at a flower shop for god sake and he was a failure at love. Louis stares at the time, seeing the clock switch to two o'clock in the morning, and wonders if he could send the text message now. This probably wouldn't be a great time though but regardless, Louis opens his phone again and decides to type a short draft that's easy and to the point. He doesn't plan on sending it before getting Zayn's approval but having a basic outline ready is better than nothing.

"You can do this Louis," he mumbles to himself as he tries to free his hand from under Zayn's sleeping body.

He stirs and falls face-first onto Louis's lap and he just chuckles and pats his head earning a small 'mmmh' in return.

He stares at the message and starts typing what comes to mind, 'Hi, my name is Louis Tomlinson and my mom is getting married on the 29th. I am aware that it is such short notice but I saw your website and love the photographs and I was hoping to book you. I will pay for your travel and stay and hope you aren't too booked or occupied. Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you soon.'

Louis stares at the message and adds random word vomit or almost a diary entry at the end of it, 'fuck, why did I have to book someone? This is stupid, I hate love. I know it's been years, to be precise it's been four but he broke my heart. I was in love with him and I thought he loved me. Everyone says I should move on, that I'm hanging onto the past but they don't know how hard it was for me. He was the first boy I dated and fell in love with and he didn't even care. He was using me, he wanted attention and he left me to pick up the pieces. Fuck him and fuck everything else. I wish it was easy, I wish I could move on. Why don't I deserve to be happy? What did I do wrong? Maybe I am a mistake.'

Louis stares at everything and slowly sniffles because god, he was a baby. He wasn't still in love with him, on the contrary, he was so over him but the pain was still there, it was always going to be there. No matter how many years pass by the words will still stick with him. The horror of finding his boyfriend with another girl. The humiliation of being laughed at and ridiculed by everyone even some of his closest friends. And the pain of feeling alone and broken.

Louis goes to erase all the excess wording until he realizes the message disappears, fuck, he just deleted everything now he has to start over. He goes back to type in the phone number and he's met with a horrible realization. Louis didn't delete the message, in fact, he sent that message with all his darkest feelings and thoughts to a stranger in the middle of the night.

Louis would disappear if he could, it feels like the world just swallowed him whole, what the fuck was he thinking. His finger probably slipped or, or, or his tears were blocking the view, and aw fuck, now he's going to have to find a new photographer because this was just embarrassing. Maybe if he just deletes the message or puts his phone on airplane mode then it wouldn't send but Louis was too late because he sees the gray bubble with three dots pop up on the screen, which means the photographer has read his message and is now typing back and fuck, Louis chucks his phone across the sofa not wanting to look.

He was going to be laughed at, maybe he was going to end up on those Twitter or Instagram pages of embarrassing texts, and god, why was he so stupid? He stares at his phone when he hears it ping and dares not to move, not just because Zayn is sprawled over him like a Koala but because if he ignores it then it doesn't exist right? But Louis knows he's going to have to look at it at some point, he's going to have to read his humiliating message over and over again and hang on a minute, what kind of photographer is awake at two in the morning. Okay, that was weird but whatever, Louis had to face his consequences and now he was going to have to hire someone more expensive and he's going to have to work twice as hard in order to get the money.