Secret smile

61

"Mer..." he whimpered, holding her tight. "Mer..."

"It's okay," she whispered softly. "Derek...it's okay. It's okay."

"I...I..." he murmured, gasping for breath.

"I'm here," she whispered.

"Yeah...yeah..."

"Oh." Meredith's breath caught in her throat. This was bad. This was...she couldn't do this again. She couldn't comfort him and listen to him talk about Sarah and Amy only to find out that it had been a mistake. Them. They had been a mistake. They had had sex and now he was going to tell her he wasn't ready and he hadn't been sure what he had been thinking because he still loved his dead wife

"Mer..." he whispered, before drawing in a deep, shaky breath. "Mer..."

"Puppers again?" she whispered.

"Yeah...yeah," he nodded.

"What else?" she breathed, running her fingers over his damp curls.

"Usual..." he gasped slightly. "Usual dream."

"It's just a dream, Derek."

"I know," he nodded, hiccupping slightly. "I know."

"We already...we don't know...Puppers was okay."

"Pup...Puppers was okay," he breathed.

"Yeah," she whispered. "Do...do you know who's crying yet?"

"No. No."

"Okay," she whispered.

"It's..." he whispered. "When was my last one?"

"I don't know," she shrugged slightly. "A while...it's been a while."

"It has," he breathed, looking over at Grace who was now curled up tightly against him. "I should have expected it."

"Hmmm," she breathed, rubbing his arm.

"Three years."

"Three years."

"I'm...I'm okay," he nodded, taking another shaky breath.

"I know."

"Sorry," he hiccupped.

"It's...it's not your fault," she breathed, her chest tightening as she stood up. "I guess...I can go."

"What?"

"I get it," Meredith nodded, not meeting his eyes as she pulled her clothes on. "I get it. It's...it was a mistake. The sex was a mistake and you're not ready and you were just...you were trying not to think about your dead wife and...I get it. It's fine. Or it's not but...I can go. I can go."

"What?" he asked, his eyes wide as he suddenly sat up. "I didn't say any of that."

"Not yet. You haven't said it yet but you will so I'm saying it. I'm saying it for you and...I get it."

"Well that makes one of us," he frowned. "I don't want you to go."

"Derek, you don't have to do this. You don't have to...I get it. It's just like last time. We had sex, you had a nightmare and...I should have thought about this. I was...stupid. Completely stupid because I actually thought...it's the anniversary. It's the anniversary and we had sex and you had a nightmare and...don't worry about hurting me. You don't have to...I get it. I do."

"I love you, Mer but you're the most insane woman I have ever met."

"What?" she frowned, her hand on the door of the trailer.