Secret smile

37

Meredith Grey was never silent. Derek had learned this over the last few months of being her friend. She was never silent. She talked all the time, rambled, even sometimes hummed to herself. Even when she was sleeping, she wasn't quiet. Between the snoring and the occasional talking in her sleep, he was pretty sure he had never heard her not make a noise. So he couldn't figure out why she was silent now. He didn't like it. He didn't like this Meredith being silent thing at all. There was something completely wrong with her being silent. He had spent the first year after the accident in as much silence as he could get and then he had come here and he had found her. She was his best friend and he had gotten to love how noisy she was. He had needed the noise to keep him going.

His favorite thing about her was her ramble. Her cute, adorable nervous ramble that tended to come out when she didn't exactly know what to say, or when she was nervous. He had found himself loving the ramble, especially once he had discovered how to interpret it. The Meredith ramble was like a completely different language, and somehow, Derek had discovered how to understand it. It helped that there was usually a general theme to it. You had to pick out the one key thought and ignore all the misplaced words that she threw in in between. It was easy to understand actually, even though she always looked at him with wide eyes when he could actually respond to whatever it was she rambled about. But it was okay. He understood her. Just not the silent her.

She was playing nervously with her wrists, which actually said a lot. It was her nervous habit, her freaking out habit and he loved it. He loved watching her slim fingers tap against her tiny wrists, the wrists he could wrap his entire hand around. It usually meant something was really wrong and he frowned for a second. She wasn't nervous about meeting his mom, she had practically begged to come with him. Not that she had needed to beg. He couldn't wait for her to meet his mom. His mom had heard all about her, about the little piece of happiness he had managed to find for himself in Seattle. Because Meredith made him happy, being around her made him feel like he could breathe. She made him laugh, she made him feel alive again or something and he had told his mom all of that. She was excited to meet Meredith, really excited. When he had told Meredith that, she had had a momentary freak out moment, something about not doing well with moms or something. But in the end, she had called him this morning and told himi to pick her up at her house before he went to the airport. Bossy, she was so incredibly bossy, and he really wasn't used to that at all. But he loved it.

He adored everything about his best friend. She was the one thing that had kept him going and he was pretty sure she was the one thing he couldn't live without. He couldn't actually imagine a life without Meredith Grey in it. He couldn't even fathom what it would be like to have to spend his nights alone in the trailer instead of watching movies with her. And he was vaguely aware that if he had met her at a different time, all of this could be different. The thought had crossed his mind once or twice, especially when she ran her fingers through his hair, or when they kissed gently. It was usually followed by immense guilt, but he couldn't help but think it. If he had met Meredith years ago, before Amy and Sarah, things would have been different. If he had met her when he was his old self, the small friendly kisses they shared could be much more.

But it wasn't. His life had played out the way it had, and he wouldn't actually want it any other way, regardless of how amazing Meredith was. She was his best friend. She was exactly what he needed in his life right now and right now something was definitely bothering her. He had been able to actually think for five minutes straight and that never happened with her around. "Mer?"

"Hmm?"

"What's up?"

"What?" she turned quickly to him.

"Something is bothering you."

"I...no."

"Yes."

"I'm...I'm fine. Fine. Completely fine and...fine."