Separate Worlds

Chapter Seventeen

*Santana's POV*

I knocked on the apartment door and took a shaky breath. Brittany would be mad. I just needed to explain everything and it would be okay.

She opened the door and upon seeing me, gave a scowl.

Before she could say anything I bursted into her apartment.

"Santana what the-"

"When I was fourteen my brother died."

The blonde's brow furrowed.

"He was my best friend." I swallowed thickly. "My-my hero."

"Where are you going with this?"

"It wrecked me." My voice broke. "I was depressed. I did drugs, I drank. I hacked myself up and hurt myself in every possible way because physical pain was better than the pain I was experiencing inside."

This time she swallowed, looking uncomfortable. "I didn't know..."

I ignored her and continued. "And yes, I did sleep around. A lot. I slept with girls, guys, anything that moved and there was no emotion in it. It was because it hurt me and I wanted to be hurt."

Brittany shuffled around awkwardly.

"Then I tried to kill myself."

She took in a sharp breath.

I threw my hands up. "So what do you want me to say? That I have a past? That I'm fucking messed up? That it took me years of therapy? That I never got over it completely and still sleep around? That I like to have a good time now and then so that I don't have to-" my voice cracked again and a tear escaped. "So I don't have to think about it? Well fine. Now you know."

"Santana..."

"But it's not like that with you." I said firmly. "You're the first person in... Years that I have been able to feel close to without hating myself for it."

Brittany swallowed. "I'm really sorry Santana. I had no idea you'd been through all that. I assumed things that I shouldn't have and I'm sorry. Extremely sorry."

Santana sighed. "To be honest I don't know if I can forgive you..."

"What?"

"Not completely. It usually takes so much to break through my walls. You somehow did it in one meeting. I gave you that chance and you crushed my heart. Which is exactly what I always feared would happen."

She shook her head fervently and took my hands. "No. No. Please listen to me. I really really like you. And I will never, ever hurt you again if you just give me another chance. I guess I'm kind of used to getting hurt too because people like to take advantage of me and that's why I assumed the worst."

I smiled slightly. "I guess we're adjust alike in that way."

She nodded. "It sucks."

I chuckled dryly. "Pretty much."

The blonde sighed. "So am I forgiven... Or...?"

I shrugged. "You're forgiven."

"Yes!"

"But if it happens again there won't be anymore chances." I looked her straight in the eye. "And that is a promise."

"I know. I'll never do something like that ever again. That is a promise."

I grinned. "I really like you Brittany. It gets tiring. Always detaching myself from my emotions like that. It's nice to be able to just like someone without having to go to that little place in my brain. Where I don't have to think about it."

"I have that place too! It's full of rainbows and unicorns!"

I laughed. "You're adorable. But mine's more like... Just blank. There's nothing. I feel nothing. Which is what I like best."

Brittany furrowed her brow. "Santana are you sure you're okay?"

I sighed. "I'm fine. I've been doing great. I'm okay..." But even I didn't believe myself.