Secret smile

32

"I know, Derek," she breathed, trying to forget her mother's biting words from earlier. It wasn't her fault, it was the disease. The disease made Ellis say things.

"Sometimes I just want to tell her," Derek groaned. "I would love to see the look on her face if I told her. Of course she'd probably just want to give me a hug. Why does she even...she's my scrub nurse. I should get her to leave my service."

"Hmmm..."

"I don't want to be that attending and I know it makes me look like a bigger ass than everyone else thinks I already am but I can't do this."

"Yeah. Yeah."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I was still...married, or married and you know, Mer. What am I supposed to do? She just...it rubs the wounds or something."

"I..." she took a deep breath, hugging her legs closer to her chest as he paced around the trailer.

"I just can't do it anymore. I don't want people flirting with me. I don't want people even being interested in me and I'm a complete ass to her. I actually try to be an ass to her. I don't even know her name and yet she doesn't take a hint. It's not even a hint."

"Yeah," she breathed. She was not a waste of space. Her mother wanted her.

"I..." he sighed. "Why are you not talking?"

"Hmmm?"

"You're not talking."

"I'm...fine," she breathed, taking a deep calming breath.

"You're not fine," he frowned.

"I'm fine," she snapped slightly.

"Meredith..." he breathed, his eyes widening because she never snapped at him.

"Actually," she looked up at him. "I'm not fine. I'm not fine. There's no way I can be fine. And you know why I'm not fine?"

"Wh...why?"

"Because you're a crap friend," she spat, immediately wanting to stop, but she couldn't. "You're a crap friend. Everyone tells me you're an ass and I try to tell them you're not but you are. You're an ass because I've been on the verge of tears since I got here and you just keep...and I get it. Your life? It sucks. It completely and totally sucks in a huge, massive dead wife and daughter way."

"I...I'm a crap friend?" he breathed.

"I get that your life sucks. I know it sucks. I don't even...but my life sucks too. You're in therapy because your wife and daughter died and that...that sucks. It sucks and it's sad and awful but you've never even...I'm not in therapy because my mom and I don't get a long. I'm not in therapy because I'm generally a happy person, I'm not. Meredith Grey...not a happy person. I'm...dark and twisty, scary and damaged or something."

"I know that," he nodded slowly.

"But you sit and rant and I listen. I listen to you cry about Amy and Sarah, I listen to you bitch about your scrub nurse. I listen. And I help you. But you act...you act like you're the only one who got a shit deal or whatever. And you didn't. Because your mom? Your mom doesn't have Alzheimer's and thinks she's talking to someone other than you and tell you that you were a mistake."

"Oh my god..."

"And your dad didn't just...leave when you were five. He didn't. He loved you and...he wasn't there one minute and then the next morning when you woke up, he wasn't gone. He wasn't gone and choosing a new family over you because apparently, you were a mistake and your parents never loved each other and you never should have been born. And that's why now you have two half sisters who are great but you don't know if you want to know them because they weren't mistakes. They weren't."