PARALYZED: Us Against The World

-One

{I suggest you play the Yt video before you start reading.}

It's funny how the world around us seems so weird. Sometimes I often wonder why's the sky so blue? Why's the sun so bright? Why are babies born? Why are we given names? And most especially why do we loose those we care for the most? And then, what's this strange feeling that comes with it?

Ever since I was little; still am, just don't really admit it that much, curiosity has really been my thing. How the world works, what makes the world work the way it does and how do the little things influences much of how we look at things somehow has managed to intrigued me. One could say wonder, or maybe curiosity, but well for me, it's beyond that.

One could say curiosity goes hand in hand with journalling or creative writing. If I'm not poking my curious nose into anything and everything, then I'm somewhere in my room locked up in my own fantasy world of ink and paper where even the impossible is possible.

Writing in general has never been something I did because it was some kind of choice; maybe at first it started as that but now, it's something else.

At first, it was something intrigued by curiosity, I mean just a girl pouring random thoughts into paper and book, now it's become something else.

***

A whole lot has actually happened during this past few years actually. I lost my dad, ouch, it actually really hurts , just playing strong like we all do, it's actually all we can do.

An eight years old me excited to be hanging out with the dad she rarely gets to spend time with. Never once did she imagine it would be her last time with him. So naive she must have been, never once did it cross that small head of hers that any day could be their last.

One moment your smiling from the back seat at your dad who's in the front, hands all fixed to the wheels and the next thing you're in the hospital. It's only after you regain consciousness after three months you actually realize what's going on.

Loosing him felt like loosing the world, even for an eight years old. Twas probably the first time in my life I actually really got to understood what pain really was. I mean this was different from the pain gotten from mummy scolding me for doing something wrong. This was pain in the fullest form. It felt like the universe pulling your heart from the inside out.

One could say it's all in the past and I'm moving on now.

I feel so pathetic, saying it as though it's that easy. Moving on? The hurt is still inside, somewhere inside me, I'm playing strong but am I? Am I really as strong as I look?

There's this feeling. Is it guilt? Maybe? Fear? I'm not sure. I'm uncertain, I'm uncertain about so many things right now, I only really realize that when I alone, just me and myself.

I want to blame the ice cream, it tricked us and then the accident happened. It's crazy, this blame game is.

***

I wish they were somethings here made right before living us. For example my mum, he rarely had time for her, for him it was always work. Somehow, one thing lead to another and few months after turning six, they had to call it quit. It was officially over, they divorced.

Mom remarried and well, him, it was work as usual. I only saw him during the weekends, Saturdays and Sundays. Imagine only getting to see your father only twice.

Just when I thought I was adjusting, his visits then suddenly stopped being Saturdays and Sundays. Sometimes he'd pop up only once in a month, sometimes twice and well he had excuses and reasons. I was seven playing the understanding game but then yet again still wishing he had more time for me.

I'm foolish for wanting more, maybe wanting more time wasn't the best prayer. Now there's no once in a blue moon visit, he's never gonna show up. Harsh reality.

I still have small flash backs of the whole thing. I think we were heading to this fast food three blocks away to get ice cream. I was damn excited. Not sure how it happened but it was a car that drove right into ours.

I was unconscious but I still remember hearing those voices of those around us, the people that helped us, the good people that pulled us out of the damaged car.

I sustained injuries in my spinal cord that resulted to me having paraplegia, a kind of paralysis that renders the lower body such as my legs number or paralysed. Yeah, I know it sucks.

***

So, what can I say? I'm paralyzed, I'm either on a wheelchair or struggling with crutches that I still am not comfortable with using till this day.

I've made several attempts to walk on my own without the crutch, but we'll things hasn't really been that easy. Sitting sometimes gets boring but well, they isn't much options, either the crutches or the wheels.

Baby steps is what mom calls them. I just sticking with the famous tag 'leap of faith' or probably 'step of faith'. From clearer perspectives, leaping seems to be more what I've been doing not really walking. But whether I'm leaping or not I'm still glad I'm here, alive.

"Nimi, don't stress yourself out. Progress and movement takes time." That's what mom says anytime I try pushing my limits.

As you've guessed, that is if you actually did, my name is Nimi. It's pronounced the way it actually is spelt 'Ni-mi'. It means "knowledge".

I used to see myself as the glow of the house now, I see myself as something else. I still am but it's just that it's something I don't get to hear or feel that often. I think it's part of being a growing up.

Mum's a nurse. It's been her dream to be a nurse since she was a child, now, I guess she's just living the life.

I have a step dad. I did mention mum remarried earlier and he has a son, making him my brother. He's an account and well it's  five years now, two months back they had this occasion celebrating their anniversary.

We're all still adjusting. I'm doing most of the adjusting.

I'm still getting use to have my actual dad being replaced, and yeah it's been five years but acceptance sometimes is actually as slow as progress.

Having a brother is actually something that comes with stress. He's really annoying, the most annoying in the world. He's always literally all over the place and sometimes I just can't stand him.

"Marcus! Stay far from my stuff...".

Marcus is the annoying being in the house. Though we fight over little things around the house, I  actually enjoy having him as my kid bro. Marcus is actually my step brother. Boys are literally annoying and if you've got a young sibling that's like mine, you can relate to my pain.

ಠωಠ

I'm actually a day dreamer, spending most of my day being lost in my own head. Lost in my own thoughts of what it would be like if I could actually walk again.

You know, that's the only thing I can do. Don't really have much friends around the neighborhood, we just moved into the block so I could say it's still early to make new friends.

Maybe too early isn't the right word to be used cause Marcus is doing pretty well blending in into the hood. His even made a few friends.

Maybe people, kids in particular prefer having people that can run around rather than people that sits around.

My journals and books are what I actually confine myself in and it is in these things I find solace.

A/N

*Someone out there can relate*.

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