The Thing About Samuel

Chapter Thirty-Six - Jason

Jason - June 2003

'Hey,' Ryan grinned as Jason approached.
​It was late. Jason had spent the entire evening with Annabelle and was finally leaving through the tall front gates. His dad had offered him a lift home but instead Jason had opted to walk. He needed it. What he wasn't expecting was that Ryan would be leant against the wall outside the house as he left.
​'Er... Hi,' he replied.
​'What's up with you?' Ryan asked as he jogged over to Jason to move out of view of the house and join Jason's journey home.
​Jason shook his head. 'I don't know what just happened.'
​'Hey, hey. Look at me.' Jason shrugged Ryan's arm away as he persisted forward. All he could think right now was that he wanted to be home, in the safety of his bedroom, and with his parents nearby. He needed to be away from all of this. Away from the Roberts' house. Away from Annabelle, her sweet, tear-stricken face. And then, Ryan. He definitely needed to be away from Ryan.
​'Jase! Stop.' He appeared in front of Jason, his arms outstretched and his palms on Jason's shoulders, forcing him to a stop. 'What's going on?'
​Jason found himself looking deep into the eyes of a concerned Ryan. His face was soft, his hair pushed back from his face, and his warm iris' delving deep into Jason's, looking for an answer.
​Ryan's hands moved up to Jason's neck, sending a shiver of goosebumps down his body. Jason breathed out, and his body untensed. His shoulders dropped, his back relaxed, and a sob followed after the exhale of air.
​Ryan pulled him in and squeezed him, his hand moving up to the back of Jason's head. They stayed there for a moment, and then Ryan gently moved Jason back into view. Jason sniffled, and wiped his eyes with his hands.
​'I'm sorry, Ryan.'
​'What happened? Did you and Annabelle break up?'
​'No. No, we didn't. I thought we would,' Jason admitted.
​'Then, what?'
​Jason looked back to Ryan, his cheeks also red, his eyes also glazed.
​'Can we walk a bit?' Jason asked, not really wanting to unearth everything that had just happened. He wasn't even sure he was believing it was happening to himself yet let alone being able to tell someone else about it. Especially Ryan.
​They headed down the road, guided by the moon and hoping it would eventually land him back near his home. However, right now, he willed for the walk to last until he felt a little calmer about everything that was going on. Just until it all made a little more sense.
​The evening had started with Jason wanting to confess to Annabelle what had happened with Ryan. And instead, he was going to be a... a dad. He was eighteen. He wasn't ready to be a dad, was he?
​'So... what's going on?' Ryan finally broke the silence, though Jason had been grateful for it. It was unfair on him to just expect Ryan to silently walk beside him until the tightness in his chest eased.
​'Something did happen with Annabelle.'
​'What is it? Are you okay? Is she okay?'
​It wasn't the reaction Jason was expecting. Even now, having gotten to know Ryan more so, he still expected sometimes to have a snarky and sarcastic response over something that seemed genuinely heartfelt. Either way, it made Jason smile, and it was welcome.
​'She will be fine, I hope.'
​'And you?'
​Jason took a breath in. He knew what he needed to say to Ryan, and it wasn't going to be nice for him to hear. Upon heading to Annabelle's that evening he was expecting to be exiting the house knowing that he probably wouldn't be seeing Annabelle again, and probably Ryan, too. But now, he knew he could never not go back there. Seeing Ryan again, on the other hand, was seemingly less likely. And that upset Jason, more than he realised it would.
​'I think we will be able to work through it. Somehow. However difficult that feels right now, and even though I can't see any kind of path forward, I guess we will figure it out together.'
​'That's good,' Ryan started.
​'But for us... I don't know,' Jason admitted, heavily.
​'What do you mean?' Ryan's eyes narrowed and his jaw tightened as he slowly stepped back from Jason. 'What happened? Why would it affect us?'
​'I don't think I can see you again, Ryan. This can't happen.'
​He laughed in disbelief. 'Don't say that. I've never admitted to feeling this way about someone before, Jase. You're someone special. To me, anyway.' Ryan stepped forward again, placing his hands back on Jason's cheeks and bringing their eyes level. 'Believe me. I think I lo-'
​'-Annabelle's pregnant.'
​Jason knew what Ryan was about to say, and he couldn't let him say it without knowing about the pregnancy. This would change everything for Ryan, and Jason knew. And even as the words tumbled from his mouth, Jason felt a huge wave of regret and sadness building behind him about to wash Ryan far, far out to sea. Away from him. Maybe for good.
​Ryan didn't speak. His mouth paused around the word, as if frozen in time. The word that Jason had maybe been longing to hear from Ryan without realising it. Perhaps, if none of this had happened, a word that would have moved his life on in a different direction, and yet now it was something he could not hear. And something he could not allow Ryan to say.
​Ryan nodded vacantly, his gaze fell distant, and he steadily walked backwards putting distance between them.
​'I'm sorry, Ryan,' Jason offered, and his voice broke with the tears that came to his eyes. 'Believe me, I am so sorry.'
​Ryan backed away. 'I have to go, Jason. Look after Annabelle.'
​'Ryan, where will you go?'
​'Goodbye, Jason.'
​And with that, Ryan was swallowed up by the depths of the night and Jason fell back against a lamppost, offering a soft amber warmth to sit beneath, and finally let the tears roll freely from his eyes.