the absolute worst thing to ever happen

i do not kno da wey of anything at all

i vividly remember how nervous i was to go through this whole "escape" plan when in reality I'm gonna be 18 and...what can they really do? well they fuckin told me cause apparently they have no idea how words can affect a childs brain. they basically said they would go to court and say that I'm mentally incompetent so that they would have full control over me.  even typing this sounds like I'm lying to myself but its absolutely true. my mom tried telling me everything under the sun to keep me scared from leaving. and i believed every single threat she made. no matter how outlandish it was, i truly believed she could some how do it. I'm 20 and i still get nervous that she has "eyes" on me like she's always told me.

one night i grab a suitcase from the basement. my figure skating suit case.. i was prepared to say good bye to everything important in my room. i wish i would've said way more goodbyes, i hope my stuffed animals don't feel forgotten about. i put all my masculine clothes in this suitcase and shove it under my bed. next day after school i find all of the clothes ripped out of the suitcase and my whole room a disaster. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck. eventually we talk about it and of course, she's in the right and I'm in the wrong as always. fucking narcissistic bitch. 
now it's like 4 days until I'm 18. this time i put all my stuff in a garbage bag. i planned it all out with my friend ana. we were just gonna go to the movies the day before my birthday and then id sleepover at her house and try to figure shit out from there. i did not have shit figured out from there.

March 13th 2020
okay so number 1 a whole fucking pandemic breaks loose in January and then we have a nation wide shut down on my birthday for 2 weeks. just thought i should add that in there.

parents know I'm just going to the movies with her. her mom had found some lady who worked closely with lgbtq homeless kids and she was gonna bring me to this lady to help me figure it all out. the plan was set in motion and i was so. fucking. scared.

it's go time. i leave from the basement. where's my trashbag. fuck fuck fuck no it's supposed to be right here, my mom must've found it, fuck everything's ruined. i can't act like my plan has been spoiled because as i was walking up the driveway i could see my mom looking out of the window directly at me like one of those fucking horror movies. i got in Anas car, told them what's up and i was finally free. i turned my location and my whole phone off. i was absolutely fucking terrified of what my parents would do to me if they found me.

the lady was extremely nice and helped me so much. she let me live in her house for 3 months, bought me clothes, food, smokes, weed, and got me started on testosterone.

the night that i turned 18 i was so high. i was falling asleep and just so out of it. but i was so happy i couldn't care less. the lady and her girlfriend called my parents and let them know that i was safe but not returning. of course, they threatened to call the police but for the first time ever the police said "sorry, we can't do anything."

this is the moment in time where my whole life absolutely shifted.