𝙳𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝙶𝚒𝚛𝚕𝚜

i must be experiencing something profound and arcane in pursuit of my name

[scatterbrain - thquib]
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[12]

        Something had changed. Maybe it was the sudden drop in temperature that had the entire town within it's grip that left you shivering in your bed. Maybe it was the dread that now followed you, lingering in every corner as. Or maybe all of it was there all along-- you were simply too blind to seen it. The cotton ripped from your eyes.

        Ironically, in these recent days, you felt much like a sheep. Scared and hesitant in everything you do. Or perhaps, you were better compared to a rabbit- a bunny, truly a measley, stupid little thing. Observed and subjected to pokes and prodes, held down by squeaky gloved hands that are all much stronger that whatever your frail mind could ever fight against. Liquids dripped into your eyes till they're bleeding, chemicals injected into your bloodstream, shoved down your throat, or forced up your nose. You were deprived. Deafened. Blinded. And for what? For who? Ben had failed to provide any insight on exactly what he ment. He had mentioned jobs and a coworker, but never his boss- whoever was pulling the strings. You could've asked what he ment. But you didn't. You were thinking about it. Why didn't you? Are you scared of him? You had to reason to be, he told you so himself, right?

       Once the night had began, the two of you had gotten down to talking a bit more. It took far too long for this situation to set in fully for you. Sitting on your bed, crisscrossed, with a blond ghost you had somehow befriend felt like something you would've thought up when you were younger. You felt like you had shrunk back down to those days you had thought to be simpler. Using your solitude in what felt like an endless universe of nothing but time and stars to talk to the friends you'd manufactured in your mind to wait out the time till you had to go back to school. Man, women, animal, lovecraftian creature- whatever could distract you from the reality of how little friends you actually had. 

       "God, I feel like im talking to my imaginary friend." You admit.

        He snickers, but doesn't say anything else.

       You begin to simply think out loud. You have to admit, it's nice to have someone here with you. "Vic's gonna be pissed. I was a jerk when I last saw her."

       He rolls his eyes the second you mention her name. "Dude, if she gets mad just tell her off. It's not like she's this grade-A friend either.

       "Yeah, but she's like, my only friend."

       "Not your only friend."

       "You know what I mean." You sigh, resting your head back against the wall.

        "So what?" He leans back, using his hands to keep himself up. "Whats the point of keeping her around at this point?"

       "I don't know." It goes without saying that at times she absolutely pisses you off. You've thought about cutting her off more times than you can count. But, theres just something about her. Something you can't hate. No matter how hard you try. Shes charming and pretty, and most of all she chose to be friends with you. Everyone practically envies her friendship-- idolizes her and her unwavering appeal. You've watching countless videos, all titled something along the lines of 'Ten Signs You're In a Toxic Relationship!' and watched them obsessively. You ran yourself in circles trying to figure out who was to blame. Was she really the bad guy, or had you just managed to convince yourself that she was the problem? Maybe you were the asshole, manipulating everyone, even yourself, into seeing you as the victim. Everyone loves her, so why can't you? You used to. She was your best friend, you closest confidant. You told eachother everything. You swore that one day the two of you would move out of this shit stain town and split rent in a big city. Maybe New York, maybe London. When did everything change? When did she become borderline abusive-- a downright narcissistic asshole who never has the damn audacity to think that maybe-- just maybe-- she's not all that. That maybe, once people actually get to know her, she's fucking insufferable. "Christ, sometimes i want to deck her."