what is love?

memories and tell

Tw: homophobia sexism rape mommy/daddy issues

quackitys pov

page 25! may 26th quackiys diary

its been exactly 2 months since eloisa died and her funeral is in a few days i been researching about my feelings and i found out i have a crush! I've never herd of that. me and Charlie have became closer i came over to his house and pet his guinea pigs! there so cute. Ive been thinking of coming up with a fake crush to tell karl and sapnap so i can learn more because google isn't helping me.

my dreams have gotten better! and I've been learning more and exploring the world I've been to a carnival the movies and more! today we have to go to a gender reveal, I've never been to one I'm very exited but its kinda confusing so much money just to reveal the gender of a baby what's the point?

I sighed as i closed my diary i herd giggling probably Karl i thought in my head google says a boy should only have a crush on a girl so is liking sapnap wrong?   i smashed my head against my pillow i was a freak maybe i just hadnt found the right girl! i shot up from my bed and went to the kitchen where karl and sapnap looked at me silly.

"q ur hair" they laughed i put my free hand on my head and felt my hair was a mess i brushed it down with my hands and smiled "sap karl! i want a girlfriend!" i said as they looked at me like i was a ghost "oh... um" Karl said he had a ton in his voice i couldn't make out it cringed at the word girlfriend i didn't want that.

"well we have to get ready for the gender reveal." sapnap said monotone i nodded.

i grabbed the colors pink because thats what i thought the gender was i smiled at what i was wearing white and pink cargo pants with a pink shirt i looked in my full body mirror and smiled i felt nice even a little pretty but then i remembered something the whole room turned into my cold filled living room my heart beat faster then ever i looked at my feet i was a kid again i was wearing my moms dress it was pink and beautiful i had a rose cheek smile on my face i saw Sebastian come in his brown hair green glowing eyes i didn't have those eyes i always wished it did.

i laughed as i shower my dad the dress his face pure anger i didn't know what i did wrong "what the fuck are you wearing" he said bluntly "i was just pla-.." i said but was cut off  "thats for girls! girls! what are you a sissy?!" he yelled loudly at me i felt gross and icky as he yelled at me and guilty was wearing this dress wrong? "are you a fucking faggot!?" he yelled i started crying not knowing what any of that ment

"you wanna dress like a fucking girl!? then lets treat you like one" sebastian said as he pulled the back of my hair pulling me up in the air as my feet kicked and i squealed i screamed and cried bloody murder as he walked towards the bedroom and threw me on the queen sized bed as i choked on sobs "clothes off!" he yelled as i snaped back in reality

i looked at myself in pure agony i felt gross and disgusting i took off the pink clothes tears running down my face as i put my knees up to my chest being left in just my boxers i herd a knock on the door "q you okay?" karl asked as i told him to go away i knew he couldn't he was scared for me to much he opened the door and quietly walked in "quackity are you okay.. why are u crying?" he asked as tears fell down my face he came closer slowly and held me in his arms "what happened...?" he asked as i told him everything, i couldn't keep it in his face was pure horror he didn't say anything but hugged me as i cried and he knew thats all i wanted thats when i realized i felt a different way towards him.

"if you don't wanna come we can stay" he said as i shook my head "no i wanna go.." i said as he said the following "the clothes you wear doesn't matter clothes don't have genders. he's not going to hurt you anymore me and sapnap is here for you" he said as a small smile came on my face "thank you" i said my voice small and frail he got up and said "now get changed okay..?" he said as he closed the door softly

i store at myself memories replaying in my head i put on  a blue shirt meaning boy even tho i thought otherwise i put on a pair of jeans and tried to smile but didn't succeed i sighed as i left the room i saw sapnap with a pink sweater and karl with a blue button up karl looked at me with pure emotion he came up to me and said he was sorry and that he wished i could freely wear clothes how i wanted to karl only knew about the sexual abuse and not the rest and i wasn't sure when i was ready to tell him.

i gave him a hug my breath on his chest i could tell sap was confused as we left the house and i sat in the backseat waiting for them to drive off  the window down as the air went in my ear and out the other the sounds of the cars and the honking and the smell of the grass and outside the wind coming in the window and out the other and the sounds of happy children with there fathers and mothers i wish i had that to.

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