Loving You With My Hands Tied ✔️

Kabanata 20: ...Come With Nightmares

"Are you sure about this? Getting married to Silas? You know that getting married is more than just a union but a greater responsibility with building a family together, building a life."

Of course, alam ko yun. Matagal ko ng alam yun. Sa una hindi ko ginustong magpakasal ng walang pag-ibig, kung 'di ko mahal yung tao.

And then I met Dominic and I just knew, I just knew that he was the one I wanted to marry. I wanted to build a family with him and stay by him forever.

I'm not sure if it's still possible to do that. I'm getting married and I'll be annulled 3 years from now.

What a life.

"Yes. We've talked about it and I can't wait to build a life with this man too. It'll be amazing, dad."

Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa kamay ni Silas sa kaba, parang gusto ko ng isigaw sa mundo na hindi ako makahinga, na hindi ko na kaya.

"If you don't mind, I'd... like to go to the bathroom first, we'll talk about this amazing news after, excuse me..."

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na para bang nalulunod ka at kahit anong gawin mo para makaahon ka, para bang hinihila ka pa rin ng dagat ng pababa ng pababa?

O kapag tumatakbo ka at nahihirapan kang huminga, pero wala kang magagawa kung hindi tumakbo because it was the only fucking thing you can do.

The feeling was worst than both of them.

Tumakbo ako papasok sa banyo at agad akong napaluhod pagpasok ko pa lang sa loob.

Mabilis ang tibok ng puso ko, hindi ako makahinga, at nangangatog ang magkabila kong tuhod.

It sucks. This fucking sucks.

Just why? Why did I have to experience this?

'Di ko maalis sa utak ko kung bakit? I've been a good kid, a good daughter for my family, I have never hurt anybody, all I ever wanted was a life with the man I love, that's all I ever wanted!

And I did it. I finally did it. I announced to them that I'm engaged and that I'm building a fucking life with Silas.

It feels like I ended my dream life, I ruined it.

I ruined my chance to be with him.

Ha... natawa ako sa sarili kong pag-iisip. Nababaliw na siguro talaga ako, as if may chance ako sa kanya, sa puso niya.

Dominic was never in love with me. He didn't even try to at least fall for me, I'm just nothing to him.

A friend?

Siguro kaibigan pero hindi kaibigan ang gusto ko sa kanya, gusto ko siyang maging boyfriend, fiance, at asawa ko.

I want him to be the father of my kids, I want him!

I broke it. I ended it. I ended everything.

My tears poured from my eyes as I covered my mouth to stop myself from screaming in pain. I cried, I cried like an idiot in love, I cried for a death of love that would never ever happen.

For a dream that I wasn't able to reach.

This is not a dream anymore.

This is a nightmare.

A nightmare without him.

Silas went inside the bathroom and hugged me for a few minutes before we left to return to the family dinner.