Trigger warning...

Spoonless

TW: su!c!de and d3ath

I'm so tired
Is this weakness
Sometimes I can't even bring myself to open my chapped lips
But I'm so lucky
"At least you don't have cancer"
Yet.
I'm so tired
Any my bones ache
And my body hurts
And I want to go home
But that's not an option
Because mom can't just drop everything to come get me
But I'm tired
And I'm nauseous
And I feel like my organs are doing the tango
Dancing
Waltz until I drop to my knees
In pain
I'm tired
Everyone says "me too"
But they don't understand
I'm the broken kind of tired
The kind you get from blood loss
From hypothermia
From death
I'm not tired
I'm spoonless
I count the pills I have to take
The burns from my heating pack
The lowly whir of the machines
I keep oxygen tanks in my room they're pink and taste like grapefruit
The same grapefruit I can't eat
Because it'll just rise back up my throat
Like my hollow sobs
Because no matter how many doctors I see
Or procedures I endure
I still feel like my heart is slowing to a stop
Like my lungs have been crushed between the fingers of illness
But I'm so damn tired
Of feeling like this
I'm so damn tired
If these off-white walls
And that stupid painting of kids running like I wish I could
I'm so tired
Of letting my illness control me
But I have no choice
Because if I were offered death
I think I might just take it.