All For You

Chapter 4

    Jasper sits down next to his son, sitting the big bowl of popcorn between them. Watching the movie with Liam, Jasper's mind begins to wander off to Jess once again. The night before, he'd found himself unable to sleep with only thoughts of her trailing around in his head. Their talk by the pool had made him see her differently. She'd let him in on a huge part of her life, drunk or not. It was still a part of her that he'd been longing to see.
He wondered what she was doing right now. Laughing and enjoying her time spent with someone else? Telling Cooper the same thing she'd told him the previous night. Opening up to him even more? Being even more vulnerable around him? It hurt for Jasper to think about. To him, it seemed like everyone else around him was able to find someone but him. Was it because he had a son? Was it because of his job?
He knew that the job wasn't the reason. There were plenty of women who would marry him just because of his job and his income. He also knew that Liam was the problem, but not because other women didn't accept it, but because Jasper would push away women that he didn't think he wanted around his son everyday. No one was ever good enough for the sweet soul that was Liam. That boy deserved everything and Jasper desperately wanted to give him everything. It all came back to Liam and what he wanted and deserved.
"Daddy, look!" Liam says, gripping his dad's shirt and shaking it. Liam's words dart straight out of Jasper's ears, his thoughts too loud to hear anything. Was she holding his hand right now? Kissing him?
Jasper wanted to be in Cooper's place more than he cared to admit. He wanted to be the one holding her hand and making her laugh. He wanted to be the one smiling at her from across the table while they ate their expensive meals. He, despite his brain's better judgment, wanted her more than he should have.
"Daddy!" Liam shouts again, trying to get his attention.
"Liam, I really don't care," Jasper snapped and realized as soon as he said it that it would hurt Liam's feelings. He already never spoke to Liam in a tone like that. He was usually always calm with his son, but for whatever reason that he didn't want to admit, he was too worked up. His emotions were all over the place at the moment and he accidentally took it out on his son, who didn't do anything wrong. Before Jasper could apologize, a tearing up Liam got up and ran out of the room. Liam was always a sensitive kid, especially because of past nannies who would yell at him constantly. He had a heart of gold and never needed to be spoken to like that.
Jasper sighs, taking a second to collect his thoughts and emotions. After several minutes, he gets up and follows where his son went. He goes upstairs and knocks on Liam's closed bedroom door. "Liam, I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't mean to yell at you." He gets no response, so he twists the knob and steps inside, glancing around. But Liam wasn't in his room. Jasper checks Liam's bathroom before checking the playroom, no sign of Liam. Going back downstairs, Jasper walks into the kitchen, but still doesn't see Liam. Panic blossoms in his chest as he checks the whole house frantically one last time, calling his son's name to no response. He goes out to the front of the house and glances around with no sight of Liam. Finally, he goes out the back door and starts searching the backyard, for once cursing the size of it. Their back yard had a trail through a grove of trees that led to the beach, so Jasper followed it down, calling for Liam loudly. His heart races loudly in his chest as he turns the corner onto the beach, looking out as far as his eyes reach in an attempt to find him.
Jasper didn't know what to do. Liam's never done anything like this before. He usually doesn't even take Jasper's words to heart and just pouts for a bit before getting over it. After about another thirty seconds of Jasper frantically searching for Liam, he feels as if he might pass out from lack of oxygen and the pace of his heart.
    Finally, he searches his pocket for his phone, deciding it would be best to call someone for help, or maybe the police. Realizing that he left his phone inside, he jogs back to the house. As he steps inside, the sound of quiet, muffled crying meets his ears. Taking a deep breath, he follows the sound to the garage and looks at the far corner to see Liam curled up in a ball in the little pillow fort that he made a long time ago.
    Jasper wipes the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand before approaching his kid, crouching down in front of him. "You gave me a pretty good scare, buddy," he says, trying to search for Liam's blue eyes beneath his hands as he sniffles into his knees. Liam doesn't give a response. "I'm sorry, Liam. I was harsh and you didn't deserve that. My brain was just somewhere else."
    "Daddy, where is my mom?"
    Jasper's whole body tenses as he pauses, frozen in his spot. He wasn't expecting that question now or for a long time. Liam never brought it up, so neither did Jasper, just assuming that his son didn't quite know that he had a mother. "Your mom?"
    Liam nods, finally lifting his head. His lower lip quivers as he says, "Micheal from camp said that she was dead."
    The air seems to disappear from Jasper's lungs and he closes his eyes momentarily, searching his brain for a response. What are you supposed to say in this situation? That his mother didn't want him? Jasper assumed that this was why Liam was so hurt from what he said. He'd already been going through something at camp that Jasper didn't even know about. "Your mom and I didn't get along very well, buddy."
    "Why not? Was she mean?" Jasper knew that whatever he said to Liam wouldn't help him understand. Kids Liam's age didn't think that anyone could really be mean in the world. They were just joking. Everyone was always kind and happy in Liam's world.
    "She wasn't mean, she just wasn't ready to have a kid yet."
    "So, will she come back for us?"
    "I don't think so, kiddo. I don't think she'll ever be ready. Why don't we go get some popsicles and finish our movie?" Surprising Jasper, Liam nods. Maybe he realized that it wasn't a conversation that Jasper particularly wanted to have with him. Jasper helps him up and hugs his son, messing up Liam's hair playfully. As the two walk to the freezer to get their popsicles, Jasper swears off the idea of ever liking the nanny. She took his mind off his son and he missed something huge that was hurting Liam, so all thoughts of her from now on have to be purely professional.