The Beautiful and the Faultless | Cami O'Connell

Chapter 16

The jazz festival was nice.

But neither woman really cared about it. The music ended up being a fitting background for their conversation. Fun. Good to dance to. However, not as important as the chat they were going to have.

They'd walked around for a bit, looking at the decorations, listening to the music. The two came to a halt at a little café, taking a moment to get themselves something to drink before seating themselves at one of the outdoor tables, watching the people dancing in the streets.

"Tell me what's on your mind," prompted Ingrid, taking a bite of the bagel she'd purchased.

"I've done a lot of thinking these past months," said Cami, crossing her legs. "Did some research. Read some testimonies from people who had their own journeys with discovering their sexualities. I learned a lot. Evaluated parts of my own life that I didn't think much about in the moment. I have one more thing I want to know before I say anything. Because... I have a feeling, but keep in mind I've never been with a woman so I still have a lot to learn."

Ingrid nodded, clasping her hands together. "I figure you want to know about my journey?"

Cami assented. "I hope I'm not prying."

"You're not. Honestly, it's one of the... happier aspects of my life. Figuring out something that I was confused about for a while."

She drew a deep breath before beginning, "When Freya and Matthias had their thing, I remember her telling me a lot about what pleasure was like. As children, we weren't around people, so we genuinely didn't know a lot of things. Dahlia would teach us about what happens to females, you know, once we were having periods and wondering why the hell we were bleeding everywhere. But I don't think Dahlia ever slept with a man. I don't know if she knew how sex worked or not. I assume she did, but didn't care to tell us. Or maybe she didn't know. The point is, we didn't have an education about sex or sexuality. We knew that men and women together created children. But even in that time, same-sex couples existed. They were just childless. So that part wasn't too hard to figure out. The actual logistics, though... the process... that was left to be discovered.

"Freya taught me everything she knew because otherwise, I would have had to learn just like she did— asking people embarrassing questions and looking like an idiot for being a... not so young woman wondering how pregnancies actually happened. I came to understand how conception could take place. How pleasure could be tied into it. I knew what to expect. It took me time to actually take the leap into it, given that Freya and I were not on good terms, she suffered after Matthias and her son died, and it just... was a lot. So I waited until the next time we woke to give it a try because I knew that I needed pleasure. I was too curious. And since Freya told me it felt good, I thought... sure. Let's do it. Let's give it a shot. I had Freya help render me infertile so that even if I did have sex, I wouldn't give Dahlia the firstborn she wanted so badly.

"There was this guy I knew at the time... he was friendly with me. Good looking. Unmarried. Lots of people claimed he was great in bed. I thought, 'eh, what the heck?' Started speaking to him, because I wasn't comfortable jumping into bed with him right away. We shared a few kisses, it was alright. Underwhelming, but I figured it was because I didn't actually like him, because I didn't want a relationship— I just wanted the sex. One night, we do it, and I was... so annoyed. I didn't like it, and I didn't understand why anyone would praise him for being good in bed. So I bade him farewell. Moved on to a different guy, thinking maybe I just had to like him a bit more. I tried to, and didn't... really feel connected to him. Again, I attributed it to the fact I wasn't looking for a boyfriend or a husband. We had sex, and I thought, 'Why the hell doesn't it feel good?' Soon enough, I realized the problem. Men. I didn't like being penetrated, I couldn't... climax from that, at all. I didn't like kissing them, I didn't like speaking to them beyond a friendship.