Irish Oxytocin

Always Her | 11

                           ❁ Chapter 11 ❁

The following week came around faster than I'd like to admit. My recovery was rapid this time around, and I was trying to avoid making it a big deal. It really wasn't as bad as the first time, but I didn't feel great either.
I asked for privacy for the rest of the weekend after Nolan left. I really just wanted to be alone, and it probably has something to do with my shattered trust the night of Ethan's party. Jacob was great, though. He would text me every bit telling me how sorry he felt for me, and how he just wanted my pain to go away.
I did, too.

It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders now that someone knew the truth. It felt like it was on the tip of my tongue for weeks. Even after everything, I still wanted to protect him. I had to. Jacob didn't even tell Ethan, and I knew he wanted to. He was attempting to keep my wishes of keeping it a secret between us. I really did appreciate that, because if it was Daniel I'm sure everyone would know by now.
He didn't cling to me like my brother and Nolan did, but was also making sure nothing more was happening.
Protection from afar. It was exactly what I felt I wanted. Someone to let me breathe but be there when I needed. Nolan made me feel that way before everything fell apart.

I didn't let Nolan drive me to school this morning. I asked Eth' and Jake to come to get me and texted Nolan something passively simple telling him to not stop by this morning.
He still tried, of course.
But I didn't let him.

𝗚𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗮𝗴𝗵𝗲𝗿 ♫

▪️ you almost ready?
🔹I'm getting a lift. I'll see you later.

*small pause*

▪️ are you sure? I don't mind bringing you. I like our
mornings.
🔹I'll see you during second.

*pause again*

▪️ Ok.

♥︎♥︎♥︎

The class periods went by equally as slow as they were boring. In each one, I managed to avoid Gallagher as much as I possibly could. He was persistent, but I was consistent.
My mind was made up. I'm tired of being hurt by people who act as if they care and then they don't. In my opinion, consistency was a love language. And if I was going to be loved, it was going to be by someone who wants me for me. I valued my friendship with Nolan a lot. I feel like I haven't connected with someone like this in a very long time.
But, I also knew my worth. I wanted to be happy for him, but I can't be. How can I be happy for someone whose happiness only brings me pain? Was I selfish for this? Was I a bad person for feeling the way I do?

All I knew was that I was tired in every way possible. Emotionally: I felt like my heart was torn into a thousand pieces. It ached to know that I got close to someone so fast even though I knew there would be consequences. I just didn't think the consequences would come from him himself.
As much as I wanted to stay away from him, we had work to do. The final essay was coming up fast, and I needed it done.
When the final bell for school rang at the end of the day, I was already waiting at his locker.
My heart was beating at a million beats an hour and got worse once I saw him coming down the hallway. But, he couldn't know that. I had to pretend, and I was pretty darn good at it.
I hoped...

"Cora,' he acknowledged as he walked over.
He had both his hands on his lock as he twirled the numbers around to do his combo.
"I thought you weren't talking to me?" He thought out loud, pulling his stuff from the shelves.
"I'm not," I admitted. "We have a project to do."

He looked at me with sad eyes. It looked like he had a million things to say with no way of saying them. Like someone had sewn his lips together and left him there literally speechless.

"Cherry Blossom field?" He asked.
I nodded, walking away. I led us both to his car without saying a word. My eyes wanted to fill with tears, but the only thing that filled me was this little jar inside me that was filled with anger and betrayal.

♥︎♥︎♥︎

I had my back rested up against one of the tree trunks in the field. My tie was loosened, and my knees were up. I rested my laptop on top of my knees as I typed away. I was trying to get the words out. Friendship.
My mind tried to spill how I felt about my friend group, and why I think not living in this world alone is important. But, my mind immediately kept trialling to how I felt about one friendship.
The days we went to get food, and late night drives. Our hikes to very odd places around the city, and how he made me enjoy being alive. I knew I wasn't really living until Nolan came around, and I was hoping I would hold that sense of life with me.
I didn't, though. And I knew I wouldn't.

The breeze was cold as blossoms tumbled from the tree tops above. Spring was here, and I felt change everywhere. The air was thicker, and the trees were changing around us. The grass was developing its bright green colour again, and the clouds were fluffy above us. If it weren't for the circumstances, I'd believe this moment was beautiful. The earth changing all around us. It was a reminder that relationships change, too.

"Why are you holding my hand, Nolan?" I questioned him.
It was now that I was feeling his thumb graze over my knuckles as he stared.
It was almost like he was looking for imperfections, but was left with nothing. His hands were rough, but his fingertips were gentle. So gentle that they felt soft. My body tensed at his touch, but also burned. Burned with emotion. It made me want to scream, cry, and hug him all at the same time.

"Don't push me away, Cora,' he begged.
His eyes left our hands as they met mine. I tried to stay emotionless, but I couldn't help feeling soft. How could I not expect more? How could I not expect more when things feel like this?
"Do you feel what I feel?" I asked.
"What do you feel?" He questioned back.

"Everything and nothing," I replied.
It was true, I think. I didn't know how to explain it. I felt like as his fingers trailed mine, I had the world grasping at my fingertips. But as amazing as it was, the world hurt. The fury of a flame burning in every direction, and I wanted to pull away so badly.
Just then, a beep came from his phone, and I didn't have to.

"Let's hang out tonight," it read.
And the contact itself read Kaylen, with a big red heart.

My hand whipped from his as my knees straightened. I flung my laptop closed as I stood up from the grass. I felt disappointed in myself as I let myself become weak at my knees all over again. I was such a fool.

"Take me home," I pleaded.

Nolan's Point of View

As I watched Cora turn away and leave, I felt my body ache. Not with physical pain, but the type of pain that makes you fill with guilt.
Everything fell apart so fast, and I felt alone all over again. Almost like I was in a crowd of people, and was still alone. As if it wasn't good enough if none of them were her.
My fingers typed against the glass off my phone. Not tonight, escaping my thoughts.
Tomorrow? I asked idiotically.
Do you feel what I feel? Ringing in my head.

I do, Cora. I wish I said.
I feel the world too.