It takes two | Sirius Black

30.

"Do you ever think you're not wired right? Like you're so fucked up, unfixable.. that you're probably better off dead?"

Remus freezes, he had felt like that his whole life. After he'd been bitten, he often wished he'd been murdered instead, ripped apart and left for dead. It was different hearing it from someone he cared about though, he never wanted anyone to feel the way he did, "Sirius.."

"My parents always told me I'd be better off dead but..I think I believe it."

"Fuck your parents. They're wrong." Remus snaps defensively as he sits besides him, "What's brought this on?"

"Being with the Potters, they're so nice and I can see it, when I flinch or jump, I see it in their eyes.." Sirius looks at Remus, his eyes filling with tears, "I'm broken. I'm so fucked..I don't think I'll ever be normal."

"Pads. Being normal is fucking overrated." Remus smiles kindly, "You're fine. Just as you are."

"I hurt people." He whispers quietly, "I'm always hurting people I care about or I hurt people I don't care about because I don't think about what I'm doing. Half of the time, I don't realise what I'm doing until it's too late. I'm a shit person. I'm just like them."

Remus moves Sirius' beer away from him, "You're drunk. You can't be a shit person because you're sat here, crying about it. You're aware that you've hurt people. Walburga and Orion don't acknowledge anything like that. You're better than them and the rest of the so called noble house of Black."

"What if I just keep hurting people?"

"Everyone hurts other people. Whether they intend to or not." Remus says, "I've hurt people before."

Sirius looks surprised, "You?"

"Yeah. I've seen the hurt when I reject someone or in first year when I kept telling you and James to fuck off because I didn't want to make friends." Remus snorts at the end of his sentence, "Everyone is capable of hurting people. It's how we respond that makes the difference."

Sirius nods slowly, a small smile flashing across his face, "Yeah..you're so smart Moony."

"Common sense, Black. That's all."

"Thank you."

"What are friends for? Hmm?" Remus smiles, the words hurting his heart a little, "You sure you don't want me to get James? It might be doing him a favour, he's making a right tit of himself with Lily."

Sirius snorts, "Nah leave him to it. Gives us more to laugh about when he's sober."

They sit by the open window together, smoking their joints and drinking beer silently. The sound of Pete's snores reminds them that they're not alone. Remus can't help but watch Sirius as he stares at the moon in the night sky. He feels fuzzy, a mixture of his high and his ever growing feelings for his stupid friend.

Sirius Black was perfection to Remus. He'd often felt jealousy towards how close James and Sirius were, the jealousy wearing off as he got older. Realising that the bond between the two of them was strictly platonic. Best friends and brothers. He wanted so badly to be the person to take Sirius' pain away. He wished he could wrap him up in cotton and hold him close, protecting him from harm.

"Can I tell you something?" Remus slurs after downing another beer.

"Sure." Sirius hiccups, looking at Remus with a smile.

"Will you hate me?"

Sirius frowns, "What kind of question is that? You're one of my best mates. I'd never hate you."