Humans Are Space Orcs

Yoga & An Actual Australian

"Breathe in... Breathe out..." The yoga soundtrack on Kenzie's phone was interrupted by the nervous clicking of a member of the Ghrivak clan. Thnybux, a third-tier member of the clan, approached her on a swirling cloud, as was standard of the Ghrivaks.

"Human Kenzie," said Thnybux, through the translator in her ear. "Human Kenzie, what are you doing? You will rip your flesh with those movements!"

Kenzie straightened from her yoga position and greeted Thnybux with the series of clicks common in the Ghrivak dialect. "This is called yoga. Humans actually need to move and stretch their bodies. It's good for us."

Thynbux regarded her with some confusion. "Do you know why the Ghrival move only on clouds, Human Kenzie? It is because if we move our bodies too much, our bones will disintegrate from the forces of gravity on this planet. I do not understand this theory of movement. How exactly is it beneficial to your species?"

"Human muscles are connected to har, Quasi-living rods in our bodies called bones. These bones are created by specialized cells and are both very lightweight and very strong. Our muscles are made of specialized cells and when they are very minimally damaged, they repair themselves so that they are stronger. If a human does not excise, the muscles will die off, and the human will no longer be able to move."

"Surely the force of these... muscles... on these living rods will shatter them?"

"No, our muscles are not that strong," Kenzie laughed. "Our bones are much stronger than that. And humans break bones fairly frequently. It hurts but the bone just heals stronger. That's kind of a theme in humans actually, when we get hurt we just heal stronger." She returned to her yoga.

Thynbux hid xie's fear from the human Kenzie and took note of this new information. What kind of creature becomes stronger when it is hurt? Lesson number one: Do not anger the humans.

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Okay but imagine explaining the concept of Australians to aliens who have picked up Space Australians as slang for humans.

With the flick of an inner tentacle, the N'tauri gambling master dropped a venomous crefcraw into the center of the game table. The reaction was immediate.

Four fuzzy Limonstaars shrieked and dropped under the table to huddle in a mass of quivering fur. The three Kakrush slammed on their faceplates and rolled into the farthest corner like a particularly anxious avalanche. The Ighenou, the spider-like creature whose species name translated into "Oh gods no get it off!" in a surprising number of languages, froze in the act of reaching for its pile of winning and decided that playing dead was the better part of valor.

Three of the four humans glanced hesitantly at one another. Not recognizing one of the galaxy's most feared and lethal beings, notorious for its bad temper and willingness to strike anything that came near it out of an all-consuming rage, or because it was hungry, or bored, or it was Tuesday. They were silently debating the options of hiding with the Limonstaars (cuddly!) or behind the Kakrusch (a solid barrier) when the fourth human at the table knocked back her drink and set the empty glass upside down over the irate little hissing thing which immediately started slamming a stinger half the size of its body against the glass.

"Oi Igghie!" She reached out a long brown arm and slid a flimsy credit sheet from the bottom of the pile. "I'm gonna borrow ya creds." Slipping the credit sheet under the glass, she lifted the tiny prison and its increasingly angry inhabitant and strolled over to the violently trembling N'tauri. "So does this go back to you or should I just chuck it behind the bar for you?" She held out the glass expectantly. The N'tauri keeled and slumped to the floor.

"Incinerate it!" growled one of the Kakrusch, a cacophony of agreement roared through the bar.

"Ah, where do I do that then?"

"Out the corridor, s-second door to the right." one of the Limonstaars piped up, fluffy ears barely visible over the table.

"Cheers, back soon!"

One by one, the other aliens crept back towards the table, picking up their cards and glaring at the gambling master.

"They warned me about Terrans," the quivering mass of tentacle jelly wailed. "Whatever you're thinking, don't try it on a Terran, those space Australians will probably think it's a proposition for a snack!"

One of the remaining humans reached out and patted the N'tauri approximately where its shoulder should be. "I wouldn't worry about it," he soothed. "I'm a Terran and I was terrified."

"Well, what the flying feschnark was she then?!" the N'tauri shrieked.

"Oh, didn't you hear her accent? That was an Australian."

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