Cigarette Daydreams- ꜱɪʀɪᴜꜱ ʙʟᴀᴄᴋꜱ ᴅᴀᴜɢʜᴛᴇʀ

I lied - Sirius' pov

Sirius Black was reckless. It is a well known fact. Perhaps it was because of his upbringing - you know, he over exercises his freedom, or because he doesn't really know how to act or present himself or what is funny and what crosses the line. He was a good person, just very confused - or at least that's what his therapist tells him (but then again, she's being payed to make him feel better).

The Black family were never the friendliest. What makes his father proud disappoints half of the wizarding world, and makes another quarter cower behind the ministry. What Sirius was taught as a child goes completely against his current belief system. It's dreadful, really. He has to carefully mull over any opinion before he inevitably spits something controversial out and causes another row; he has to second guess himself, has to always have an excuse in the back of his mind, and whatever he does, it has to make his mothers corpse shudder in disgust.

Perhaps it was a form of revenge. A way of saying 'fuck you' to his parents (even if the are dead and probably rotting and deformed), a way of showing the world that he, Sirius Black, did not - after a few close encounters - believe in any of the bullshit his old family was notorious for. He needed to prove himself, not to the rest of the world, but to who mattered. And himself, mostly. He needed to prove that he was not a monster.

Long story short, he was scared. He was terrified that his genes would catch up to him and he'd end up reverting back to his own ways. That he'd accidentally murder his real family unknowingly, that they'd see a monster in his place, and not Sirius. Because no matter what James told him, or what Remus would whisper gently into his bare shoulder, he was still a Black. It was tattooed into his heart, the ink permanent and nasty and a burden. It was a stain. Like the blood running through his veins, like his jet black hair and high cheekbones and god foresaken mercury eyes. It was part of him, and it was petrifying.

So when his he got a letter in the muggle post, stating that he was the father to some muggles child, Sirius could feel something inside of him dying. What if he was like his father? What if he the child drained all of himself away and all that was left was his mother, and her cackle, and her desperate maddening gaze. He considered, briefly, sending the child to Regulus instead, surely he would be more responsible at the least, but then he realised that this could be yet another way to prove that he was different.

So, when the muggle social workers turned up at his door with a baby girl wrapped tightly in cloth, he slapped what he hoped looked like a loving smile on his face and took her in with open arms.

She was identical to everything he was against, he realised when her hair started to grow and her eyes had yet to crinkle into a smile. Her face was stony constantly and she was oddly silent for a newborn. For the first couple of months he kept her to himself, hoping to knock the unnerving tendencies out of her before she could recognise his strange behaviour. He showered her in gifts and smiles and played dress up with her. He fed her three meals a day ( and made sure she was eating properly ) and made sure that he was always there. When Dumbledore asked him to go on Order missions he hired a muggle nanny, and casted spells around his apartment that acted as extra security. He cared and he loved, gave her everything that he never got. And it worked.

On her second birthday, she cracked a smile that Sirius thought could light up the heavens. It was so unlike his, that he actually almost burst from newfound joy. It was her mothers smile. Not Walburga Black,s evil grin, or his cousin's grimace, or Regulus's forced polite smirk. It was something of her own. It made Sirius's heart almost fly out of his chest.

It all went up hill then. James and Lily had their son, and Sirius was pleased to see that Aurora took it upon herself to lull him to sleep and read him stories from her own books ( from her beloved Uncle Moony ). After all, who had ever seen Bellatrix calm a crying baby?

She spoke like Sirius did, mimicking his mannerisms and posture. But she picked up her accent from James, strangely, and her personality was an odd mix of both himself, Remus and Lily. Nevertheless, she was growing into herself, and for the first time, Sirius forgot his fears, and began to see Aurora as his daughter. Not his mother, or Reg, Aurora. It made him beam with pride.

But then everything happened so quickly. Sirius was reckless, he didn't think through his actions. He dropped Aurora off at an orphanage - a decision Dumbledore had encouraged. She would be safer there, he had said, in case anything happened to Sirius. Sirius, ever in Dumbledore debt, hadn't objected. After all, James and Lily's wards had been broken, there wasn't any time to think anything through. So he dropped Aurora off, told her to behave herself, and then disapparated on the spot. She was smart for her age, and she was almost four. She would be fine.

Three days later, when Lily and James were safe and the tears had run out. After all his anger and disappointment and the grief and the loss had faded, he and Remus went back for Aurora. In hindsight, he really should have taken her to Andromedas. But Sirius was stupid and reckless, and there wasn't enough time. Yet when Remus rapped his knuckles against the harsh wood of the door, and when the plump lady Sirius had handed Aurora over too shuffled over, she did not recognise him. She hadn't taken anybody in named Aurora, and didn't have the paperwork Sirius had hastily signed. She wasn't there. Distraught, Sirius had apparated directly into Dumbledores office out of pure adrenaline, but the old man said he hadn't a clue how she had gone missing seemingly over night, and that he hadn't the time to look for a four year old.

They had searched for weeks upon weeks, but Aurora Black was nowhere to be found.

By the new year, Sirius had almost given up. His paranoia had taken over - Bellatrix had been dragged of to Azkaban in mid November, and her unruly curls reminder Sirius of his daughter. He had convinced himself that she was dead, and if she wasn't, in some muggles care.  Nobody knew about her birth apart from those he had told, and Peter had never known. Perhaps it was for the best, she might succumb to the Black family madness, and Sirius couldn't be a father anyway. He was too much for a child, too scarred, too unkind and unwelcoming. He couldn't be there for somebody that was dependent on him. And what would happen when she grew up? Sirius couldn't protect her from the cruel world, he wasn't a protector - look what happened to his brother! Sirius was not a father. He wasn't good enough a person for that.

And so he threw himself into providing for Harry. Being the cool uncle was so much easier - Harry didn't depend on him, he had James and Lily for that, Sirius was only there to provide life advice and entertainment. It was so easy. So freeing. He didn't have to worry about disappointing somebody who relied on him.

After a year and half Dumbledore announced Aurora dead. They all mourned as an empty coffin lowered itself into the ground, and Sirius threw away all of the old baby things that still resided in his flat like a haunting reminder of what his life had been. He ignored all of his grief, all of his longing, and channeled all of his energy into spoiling his godson rotten.

(Remus had secretly stashed some of Aurora's old toys and books in his fathers cottage. He was certain that Aurora was still alive)

And then, at the beginning of Harry's third year, Remus came to him after his lessons had ended and shoved a scruffily signed essay into his hands. Sirius had laughed, joking that it was one of his own from his fifth year, it did look almost identical, before his eyes found the signature in the bottom right, corner.

A. C. B.

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A little bit of back story for you all cause somebody asked and I was bored.
I might do some more of these, to clear up any confusion.
Do you want a Regulus one? And one for Remy too?