Willa

Chapter Twenty Six: A Tale of two dates *

The moment had finally arrived, someone had discovered her. I just wondered if she would tell me all about this relationship as it blossomed, or shield me from it again.

"Mama can I talk to Willa" Harper asks, and I nod and press the speaker button.

"Aunty Willa" she says sweetly "I found a butterfly" she tells her "it's pretty" she adds.

You can hear the smile in Willa's voice "sounds beautiful Harper... now tell me what is my favourite niece doing today" she asks.

Harper takes the phone to sit on the bench as she chats away, leaving me looking around the garden in deep thought, hands on hips, and wondering what to do with the ache in my stomach.

"Mama and daddy have a date night" Harper confesses.

I rush over to grab the phone, not wanting Willa to know some of my own small details. I sit down beside Harper and hold the phone between us ready to snatch it up if she reveals anything more. "So we both have a date tonight" Willa asks, her voice changing slightly, a little more curious that I had held that back.

"Yes we are out for dinner" I add, my head hanging a little as I held my finger tips to my forehead. Why didn't I want her to know this? I doubt she gave it a second thought.
I still get anxious to overshare after she left so suddenly and didn't attend the wedding, she clearly hadn't liked it at the time and I was sensitive to not bring up Ben and I, or push any news on her... Like the fact I had a baby in my belly, early days, but it was there. I should have been excited to tell her, but I censored the news as if it should do damage to her, to know it.

"Well have a good night Allie, and Harps, enjoy your sleepover at Grandma Helena's... will you tell her I said hi" she asks.

Harper nods enthusiastically "I will aunty Willa... I love you"

Willa sighs "I love you too Harps"

"Have a lovely night Willa... with Ms Arizona herself" I reply, trying to be upbeat for her.

"Thanks Allie, I love you" she adds.

I feel the ache again "I love you more"

"Impossible" she replies.

I smile before she clicks off. I am left then in the silence of the click, to digest my thoughts and feelings, and the way in which hearing of Willa's first romance (that I knew of) was like someone trying to rip my heart out, with no sedation... Why is this so hard?! To let her go? shouldn't I be deliriously happy for my best friend to find love? and a girl who would travel the country for her?! Shouldn't I be jumping up and down for her...? then why had the news sunk to the bottom of my stomach like it was bound to a boulder and thrown into a river.

***
"I'm so excited for this date" Ben says eagerly as he pushes my chair in, and sits opposite me, his smile spread across his cheeks and meeting his eyes.

My eyes were drawn to the fresh dark beard he was trying to grow, he smoothed it under his hand as he checked out the menu. I hated the beard, it was uncomfortable and it made a kiss a little rough, and quite honestly, unbearable. The beard tickled, and it just didn't do anything for me... not that fresh faced did much either, but I liked Ben fresh faced. I think the fact was, the ugly truth of it, when Ben had a beard covering his features, his jaw line and his lips...I could no longer see the familiar features that warmed me to each kiss, or moment of affection, Willa's features.

Dear god, I was so messed up, and the worrying thing was, that I was truly only just realising how deep this thing went. Ben deserved much better than me. I hoped this second baby in my belly would bring us as close as Harper had done when she was born. The feelings I felt after Harper, for Ben, they didn't seem to last long term, because after a few years I was back to the start, wondering how it was I ever came to marry like this, when I wasn't in love with the person who asked me, it was my mamas first requirement for one of her children to marry. I had disobeyed her, lied to her, anything to just make this all work... to make it so I didn't have to leave Willa. Everything I had ever done was to cling onto her longer, and yet she had disappeared the day I committed to life with Ben...committed to him, so that I could keep her. I was living with it now, the choices that I had made. I would have to suck it up and move on, to make this family as happy and thriving as I could possibly do, whilst simultaneously trying to survive on half a heart.