November 4th 2020 – 08:27 a.m. In Nervousness
I started my internship yesterday and safe to say that I couldn't relax even a little. The awkwardness, I couldn't just shake off. Even though the other staffs were quite welcoming, there will always be a divide. I felt that I was just simply an outsider. I couldn't blend in, but I can't get out either. Almost felt like a pest if I do anything wrong.
I didn't know why I get so awkward with other people, especially older people. I guess, if not in the work environment, I couldn't be bothered but as I'm doing my internship, I always felt like I need to do something. Or just to contribute to something. I got to my nerves lately.
My low self-esteem is not helping either. The way that I got this internship didn't feel like it was because of my own doing. My father took part in it and that made me even more worthless. I just realize that I do have impostor syndrome. Is that bad? I know it's not good to diagnose yourself like this. Especially when I don't have a degree in psychology. But seeing the symptoms I do have it. Do I need counselling? I felt like I need to, but confiding to other people seemed unnerving. I don't like being vulnerable. Vulnerable and alone.
Wow, I have a complex. I should stop.
I never really write about something positive. Why is that? Am I too shrouded in darkness? Am I depressed? Well, maybe not that deep. But on the verge. I hope not. With the number of things I need to confront, I don't need another thing on my mind.
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The Loud Silence
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