Return | Bucky Barnes | Book Two | Marvel Cinematic Universe

Chapter 15

Eventually, with another wavering sniff and a small tip of her head towards the heavens, the words came; "Yajtza, I'm so sick of crying." It wasn't quite what she needed to say, but it was the only coherent thought she could find in this moment. "I've barely cried in a whole year and now that I'm back here I can't seem to stop."

"A year is a long time." Nobomi's soft, sage comment softened the useless silence that followed Kat's statement, gently prompting her to consider her words. Making her wonder if there was more than one reason that Shuri had seen fit to place them with a trained psychiatrist.

"I was busy." She shrugged passively, "It... Staying busy made it pass quicker, y'know? Less time for crying."

"And less time for thinking." The woman at her side nodded, her dark eyes trained on the river; "That is the thing about quiet places like this, Katrina. You have time to think, when the noise is far away."

"Yeah..." Kat nodded, her mind wandering back to a quiet evening on her couch in Amsterdam, the heavy arm of Steve Rodgers draped around her shoulders as she finally let herself confess her fears and doubts aloud to him in that moment of stillness and companionship.

"If you feel you need that noise again, we have an apartment in the city-"

"No- no, I... I'm sorry, I must sound so ungrateful..." Kat bit the inside of her cheek as she shook her head, even as she internally marvelled at the extent of the resources this family seemed to have. They were far from the humble farmers they had seemed at first glance. "This place is perfect, the quiet... Perhaps that's what I was avoiding... Thinking about... All of this. I didn't... I didn't want to think it would be this difficult. It was supposed to be easy- he would wake up and we would erase the programming and then- then he could be himself, he wouldn't have to be afraid- we could be together..." She trailed off as her words became stilted and wavering. "Now... Now it's somehow worse than before. At least before he could trust himself to look at me..."

Nobomi said nothing for another long moment, seemingly taking her time to consider her responses, as well as giving Kat a second to pull back her unsteady hold on her emotions before offering some advice. "Recovery is rarely linear, Kat. He will get there, though perhaps he needs to take a few steps backwards first."

"I know, I know..." Kat sniffed and swiped the back of her hand over her nose self-consciously at the sound; "Sorry- you're right, and I don't mean to be dismissive, I think I knew that deep down but... I just couldn't admit it until I was confronted with it, and now... Now I don't think I even like the person I am on this side of things. I wasn't... I never used to be this fragile, I was more patient, I- Nobomi, I think gave him an ultimatum when he had barely set foot through to door because I can't bear to be shoved to the sidelines of this- what kind of person does that to someone who's been through everything he has?"

"Then give yourself time to come to terms with it." Nobomi prompted gently, "Forcing yourself into his presence before you are ready will only hurt you both. Be gentle with yourself, take time. Rest, think... And then when he is ready, you can be the person you want to be, the person he needs."

"I don't... I'm not sure I know how to do that." She croaked weakly, "The thought of all this time and quiet stretching out in front of me is... It's... It feels like starting out all over again... Like... Like I came out of the ice with him and... And I haven't found my feet yet."

"How did you find your feet last time?"

Pressing her lips together, Kat paused that small, spiralling thought that had followed that thread, that creeping shard of ice that so dearly loved to draw her down into a place of panic and fear. She forced it to stop, focusing her gaze on the yellowed, straw-toned grass beneath her and reminding herself that she was so very, very far from the ice. "I... I did what I knew." She recalled softly; "I... I knew how to fix things. I knew how to learn... Languages, technology... I caught my head up, and... I guess my feet followed, so when he found me..." Glancing to the side, she saw Nobomi's lips pull into a small, knowing smile as she watched her reach her own conclusion. "I need to do that, don't I? Take a few steps back... Go back to what I know?"