Willa

Chapter Twenty Two: Returning

"Allie" she whispers.

I whimper a little, as I stand there in the cold, the snow falling around us steadily now, to hear my name come from her mouth, to hear it slip from her tongue, it took hold of me, holding me captive in her gaze.

"I'm sorry" she whispers, and she wipes the tears from her eyes.

Sorry wasn't enough, it would not suffice to say...I'm sorry. It was too simple, she hadn't stubbed my toe or taken my last piece of candy. She had stolen herself from my life, like a thief in the night, and then she had kept herself away... for five years... five years!!

"Why didn't you call me or let me know how I could contact you? nobody had your address or your phone number Willa. Your Mom had your email for the computer but she wouldn't ever give it to me. Apparently you told her not to. How was that fair? To leave me and not give me a way to fix it... to be a part of your life"

I took a deep breath and reached my hand out for hers. Willa hesitated. I frowned... "take my hand" I demanded. Don't do this to me Willa, accept my hand and make it right, return to me now I beg you.

"Willa" I say again looking at her defiantly "take my hand" I press.

She looks down to my fingers, spread in front of her, awaiting her, and she looks like she is pained to hold back, like she is forcing the absence of her fingers through mine, like it is now somehow inappropriate to do so. Was this still to do with Ben? Or had she been gone so long now that it was foreign to her, to take my hand in hers. Had she outgrown it? outgrown me?! Did someone else hold it now?.

"I can't" she says, moving away and following the foot prints we had left coming in, and heading back toward the house.

"Willa" I call after her, agitatedly, coming behind her and pulling her around to face me "do you hate me so much that you will not talk to me..."

"I don't hate you" she says breathlessly.

"Then why are you doing this to me" I ask, reaching out and holding her arms.

"Allie, I had no choice but to leave. I wasn't welcome here anymore" She says, looking back to my waiting eyes and pausing to find me looking at her, with a great affection. A wave of love for her, it washes over me quite by surprise, to have her here in front of me after so long.

"I missed looking at you" I confess, smiling softly and breaking the fractious energy.

"You could have stayed with Ben and I, we would never have wanted you to leave if we had known. Willa you never even told me" I say softly "that you were leaving, and that you were gay. You never told me any of it, and then you left that note but no way for me to contact you"

"I'm sorry" She confesses.

"Why wouldn't you want me to be a part of your life anymore" I ask, pained by the thought. "Willa I thought I meant more to you than that"

"You did. You do. You mean everything to me" She confesses, avoiding my eye contact "that's the problem" She adds quietly to herself, but before I can reply, Ben appears, at the edge of the park and waves us over "Dinner" he calls.

"Wait" I say as Willa begins to walk over to him "Willa I need to say things. I have so much I need to say to you, please come by and see me whilst you are here. I beg you. Please. Don't you dare walk out on me again Willa Jameson. I promise if you do, I will never forgive you. I swear to god I wont" I threaten, as my nostrils flare slightly with how much I am feeling all at once.

I slip my hands up into the sleeves of her large puffed coat, and my fingers slip up her skin, resting and warming on her forearms. Her heart beats just as erratically as my own at the sudden contact. I slowly slide them back down the way that they came, and as they trail back down her wrist, she opens her hands and captures them before I can leave her entirely. My lips rise into a smile with the sensation of her fingers slipping between mine.

Finally, she returns to me.

"I don't ever want Alberta Anderson to hate me" She confesses "that is much too much to bear" She adds, matching my smile and squeezing my  fingers.

"Ben has deliveries to make tonight for the church giving tree... will you come and see me" I ask, looking at her with pleading eyes "Willa please say you will"

"Girls hurry up" Ben calls from the edge of the park, where he is jumping on the spot, to keep the cold at bay.

We both turn, forgetting he was even there.

"Please" I ask again finding her eyes.

She releases my hand from hers. I look
down as if it is her answer, almost defeated, but she reaches out and plucks a snowflake from my cheek, letting the pad of her thumb caress it away. I smile at the contented smile on her lips, as I remove my touch "I will come and see you" She agrees "now come on, let's go back, before we freeze to death"

***
Allie and I would spend an hour that night saying everything, sharing it all, her questions weren't easy to answer, but she deserved it of me, to be as honest as I could be. It was painful and revealing. I realised how much I had tortured her with my one way communication, how I could ever have thought that was fair? To send her word and have her send no words to me, when I knew Allies words were all that she ever had. At the time, and consumed by my own heartache, I hadn't even considered that Allie was perhaps suffering as much as I was. I didn't give myself enough credit for who I was to her, how she needed me, just as desperately. Our entire lives were spent together up until that fateful day that I left, of course she felt as if I abandoned her. I was determined from this day forward, that we would write, and we would write near enough every day, because seeing Allie, having her see me, after so long... it made me realise we could never and should never do this again. It had to be Friendship above all else, she was everything to me, still, and always, everything.

The honest truth, was that it wasn't more bearable to see them together, Allie and Ben, but with maturity I could most definitely hide it better from them and exist in their presence without self combusting with the emotional assault it conjured. I had most definitely come to terms with the fact Allie was Bens, and that they were together, happily, it seemed. I couldn't deny them happiness, and as long as she was, I was. I also knew after those few days of watching my entire family together, with their significant others, and watching Allie and Ben, that I needed to go out into the world and perhaps find mine. Walking this path alone, it felt kind of lonely, and being around Allie again, holding her hand, it reminded me that I have always thrived off of that intimacy... and without Allie in my day to day offering her hand ... mine was getting a little cold.