Ice Cold

11

There was only one way I knew how to do that, so that was how I ended up at the bar that night with Cooper and some other guys from the team. They said they were only going for a bite to eat and a few drinks, but I was there for something else entirely. I needed to get drunk.

I needed to get drunk and forget about how Wren made me feel things that I tried so hard to suppress. He was my biggest problem and the worst part was that he wanted to tempt me. He wanted me to forget about whatever boundaries I had made for myself even if doing that would make me hate myself even more.

The drinking didn't help because all I could see was his stupid face, his stupid body. Every time I tried to think of something else, there he was. He had ruined me, and he would undoubtedly be extremely please with himself to find out that he had. It would make him feel more superior than he already did.

And with the drinking came even more anger and emotion. It didn't work to numb me and make me feel nothing, forget everything that troubled me. It made everything worse, and that was how I ended up walking out of the bar without any of my teammates knowing. My body was on autopilot just as it had been during hockey practice. I stomped down the sidewalk, crossing the street without even looking for cars. My hands were in fists at my sides as I walked down a brick pathway and ended up at one of Brown University's dorm buildings, the only one I had ever been to.

I entered the building as someone was leaving and took the stairs two at a time up to Wren's room. Then I pounded on the door so hard that I could barely stop myself from hitting Wren as he opened it.

"Well, isn't this a nice surprise," Wren said, leaning against the door frame.

I shoved him back with my hand on his chest and walked into his room, slamming the door behind me. His expression was playful and unserious like it was often times around me. It was the look he had whenever he was amused with me and making fun of me in his head.

"To what do I owe this pleasure?" he asked with a grin.

"Shut the fuck up!" I snapped, my hands pulling at my hair. "You fucking ruined me!"

Wren's smile dropped slightly as I continued pulling at my hair. I was breathing heavily, could feel my face getting hot, yet I still wanted to scream at him. Me and my drunken state wanted him to feel my anger.

"You don't get it, you just don't get it!" I yelled, starting to pace his room. "I'm not supposed to be like this! I'm not! I'm supposed to be normal."

"Is this all because I asked you to have sex with me?" Wren asked. "It was an offer, Lance. No one said you had to do it. You don't have to get all worked up about it."

"Shut up!" I screamed. "Don't say that again! I can't be like this. I'm not like this. It's you and the stupid things you say that are messing with my head."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Wren replied. "Why don't you sit and calm down, alright? Before you have a panic attack or something. I do not want to deal with that."

I was still pulling at my hair, but I couldn't feel the pain. My vision was blurring and I was seeing red. I didn't know how to get my anger out or what to do with all these emotions, with all this self hatred. Sometimes I wished I could have been born into a different world, or not born at all.

"Landon," Wren said, taking my hands in his to pull them from my hair.

I stared at him for a moment, my breathing slowing, before ripping my hands from his grasp and putting distance between us.

"Don't fucking touch me!"

Wren stared at me with a bored expression. He turned and picked up his keys, sliding them into his pocket before nodding toward the door.