lemon and mint | Charles Leclerc

34.

July 2015

A subdued mood hung heavy over Tuesday morning in Nice. Many people still couldn't believe the reason why they gathered in Nice. Many of them still couldn't accept the fact that Jules was gone for good. The majority believed he would make it even though they heard what Jules' dad said to the media just a few days before Jules' death.

"You sometimes feel like you are going mad. For me, it is more terrible than if he had died in the accident because we have no power to help him more. Generally, progress must be made in the first six months. It has been nine months, and Jules has not woken up, and there has been no significant progress."

"It is hard to get up in the morning when you are not sure if your son will live and when every day is like that. Time passes, and I am less optimistic than I was two or three months after the accident when we could hope for better progress."

Those sentences made Daniel finally realise that there was no longer hope. It meant no more goodnight kisses, no more hiding between the trailers, no more visiting their families, no more night drives around the French coast, no more sharing playlists, no more sweaty hugs after the race, no more careless laughing, no more sweet notes on the nightstand, no more sneaking out of each other's hotel room in the morning. For Daniel, it also meant no more happiness.

Coming there was already a big task for him. Daniel thought he wouldn't be able to make it, but somehow, he took all of his courage and strength, and he made it. He hoped he would be able to go to the front, but he just wasn't strong enough, so he stayed hiding in the back of the crowd because he didn't want that many people to see how broken he was.

His eyes landed on the coffin, and his legs weakened. He sensed that if he was looking at it longer his legs would just give up, so he let his eyes wander through the crowd. He noticed Jules's family. Daniel was fully aware that he should have been by their side, but he couldn't. He looked at Mélanie, Jules's sister, and it was like seeing Jules in front of him again.

Then he noticed Felipe Massa together with Jean-Éric Vergne. They weren't the only drivers to pay tribute to Jules in front. Right next to the coffin was also Sebastian with Romain. They both looked devastated. Well, who didn't look devastated?

Daniel was surprised when he couldn't find Pia in the crowd. He expected she would be standing next to Charles, who looked like he wasn't even mentally present. His eyes were staring on the pavement underneath him. He looked so out of this place. It would make sense she would be next to his side, so where was she?

Then his eyes met the green gaze of the young Austrian. She gave him one of those smiles that said: 'I know this sucks, but you just have to keep going.' Of course, he just had to keep going. He hated that thought because he didn't really want to keep going. Not without Jules.

Daniel decided not to react to Joanna's expression. He was tired of all those sad smiles. Instead, he just looked up to the sky. He was fully aware that the Austrian was still looking at him, but he just didn't care. "I would switch places with you," he whispered to the sky, and he kept looking up until someone accidentally bumped into him. The crowd was moving towards the entrance of the Sainte Reparate Cathedral.

The young Australian found himself a seat in the last row. He didn't want to be anywhere closer. This seat offered him an option of sudden escape if needed.

He didn't pay attention to the priest. He didn't pay attention even when Mélanie was talking. He was pretty sure he knew everything she was talking about.

He bit his lower lip strongly in order to control his emotions. His world was crumbling. Then he could feel a hand on his shoulder. He was surprised when he found out Joanna was sitting next to him. Was he really that unaware of his surrounding?

"There will be other days and other feelings." This sentence should probably signal that better days would come, but he could hardly believe it.

"Sure, there will be other days and other feelings, but not another Jules," he muttered in her direction. Joanna might be correct, but he didn't even want to think about it. He didn't want to think about life without Jules. It was hard to imagine that his life would go back to normal.

---

"Charles, listen to me, please." Sebastian caught Charles' arm in order to slow him down when they were leaving the cathedral. Charles was quick to break loose out of Seb's grip. It was clear that some interaction had happened before, but Daniel was too far away to hear the beginning.

"No, I don't want to hear where she is. She's obviously not here, so I don't care. She probably has better things to do," the young Monegasque said annoyedly to the four-time world champion. Perhaps this conversation was the only one he cared about since it was about Pia.

Charles was clearly done with Pia. At least it looked like that. It was unusual to see Charles like that while talking about Pia. Normally his face would light up, and a smile would appear on his lips. Daniel was fully aware that this setting would just hardly allow Charles to smile, but he could sense the anger and perhaps even disdain in his words.

That was probably enough for Seb to understand that talking to the Monegasque was useless. The German was convinced that Charles wouldn't listen to him anyway. Perhaps Pia had to win this fight on her own.

Neither of them acknowledged Daniel's presence. They just walked away in different directions without giving Daniel a single glaze. Was he even there? He wondered in his head before leaving for the car park as well.

He sat down in his car and just stopped for a while. Letting out a long sigh while covering his face with his hands. He needed a moment for himself without anyone looking at him.

The drive from Nice to Monaco wasn't a long one, but for Daniel, it felt long. He wasn't able to focus on driving. The only thing he was fully aware of was the silence in his Porsche. He couldn't remember the last time he'd driven this road alone. Jules was always with him since they used to go to Nice to visit his parents.

Daniel remembered that summer evening when they were going back to Monaco. Jules laughed off as Daniel said one of his silly jokes to make his lover laugh. The young Frenchman just turned on the radio and let the songs fill the car. Daniel heard him croon from time to time. They both were content.

Daniel laid his eyes on his lover when he wasn't replying to his question, only to find out that Jules was peacefully sleeping in the passenger seat. His jacket was lying on Jules' knees to warm him up a little bit. "I hope, you know, you're my everything," he whispered in Jules's direction.

But now, his car was just quiet. Nobody was sitting in the passenger seat. Nobody was using his jacket. He tried to edge out these thoughts, but he was unsuccessful. These thoughts didn't leave his mind even when he came to his apartment.

The apartment felt empty without Jules. The only thing that made it at least a little bit warmer was Jules' things. His winter coats in the wardrobe in the hallway, his French books on the bookshelf, his cologne in the bathroom, his clothes in the wardrobe in the bedroom, his trophies and even those IKEA photo frames that Daniel always hated. Daniel had no idea what to do with all these things, so he left them in the same place to evoke the thought that Jules was still living there with him.