My face, a rock, and a hard place

Gaslighting snowball fight

What an awkward meeting. Deidara and I sit to Itachi's sides like bodyguards, knowing he hates it, while Kisame is facing us from Kakuzu's left, also hating it. Tobi looks confused even with his mask on. Everyone does. Let's shoot the elephant in the room and sell its tusks.

"Lord Boss," I address Pain, "I want to ask for a new partner. I can't stand Kakuzu."

"Feeling's mutual," Kakuzu growls, and totally off-script, too.

Pain cocks his head. "I partnered you for a reason. You're our zombie combo, remember?"

"With respect, Boss, the only merit of that combo is not killing each other despite our mutual disdain, so if you reassign us to people we actually like, it doesn't matter."

Itachi puts down his glass. The water's been drunk long ago, but he keeps forgetting. "Lord Pain," he says, assertive and articulate as we know him, but it takes all he has to uphold that front. "I think it's a bit of a waste to have both immortal members on the same team if the only purpose of that can be made obsolete by separating them."

"If Itachi is going to be my new partner, I'm fine with it," Kakuzu says and nods at Itachi. "He doesn't talk much, and when he does, at least it's not a waste of my brain cells."

"Fuck you," I say and flip Kakuzu off. "Actually, Boss, I was thinking I could team up with Uchi. He's the smartest, I'm the dumbest, perfect balance."

Konan, Deidara, Zetsu, and Tobi chuckle. Itachi shrugs agreement.

Kisame stops scratching his head. "I'm so glad you finally got to know yourself, Hidan," he says, "But don't I get a say in this? Itachi and I have been doing very well together, haven't we?"

"True," Konan says and Pain seems to agree with her.

Here goes nothing. "With respect, Boss, Itachi and I are a good match in every way, and I don't know what made you approve their pairing in the first place, but when a geezer with a face only a hooker could love specifically asks to be partnered with the youngest, hottest, and most lost member at the time, by Jashin, that's odd."

"What are you saying," Pain and Kisame ask almost in unison.

I lean back and catch a sideways glimpse of Itachi who's sharingunning for me. He's bluffing; if he attacks me now, he'll only make my job easier. "Daddy Shark over here gives me vibes around Itachi and we're all very loudly not talking about Itachi's face, is what I'm saying, Boss."

Itachi and Kisame both glower at me like they're about to rip my head off. Joke's on them, I'm into that shit.

"True, it's unusual to see Itachi with such clumsy injuries," Tobi says and nods at said face.

"Well, Tobi," Kisame says, "If you'd take that mask off and look at the world through both eyes, you'd see his cloak is way too long. He tripped over it on the stairs."

"Ah, the famous fall down the stairs," I hoot and give Kisame the finger. "And how many times in a row did he suddenly trip over the cloak he's been running and fighting in for the past fuck-all years, sushi cone?"

"Hidan, watch it," Pain cautions me and I want to make his spirally eyes spiral the other way.

Finally, Deidara opens that big, luscious mouth of his. "Boss, I'm from a foster home," he says. "Been around problem kids, been around adults trying to exploit their isolation to groom them. This never occurred to y'all, huh?"

"Oooh my God," Tobi sqeals. I hate that dramatic clown. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"That's ludicrous," Kakuzu says.

"Is it," Deidara protests. "Orochimaru tried to team up with Itachi for the same reason!"

"We didn't approve it," Pain says calmly. "Orochimaru was a little too obvious, though his reason for wanting little boys' bodies was a bit different from what you're implying here..."

"And he left because Itachi taught him a lesson," Deidara continues. "Because he tried. And if he tried, why wouldn't others, huh?"

"Do you actually know of anything happening, Deidara, or are you two just slandering a valued member," Pain asks, his purple eyes boring into the kid whose face is bright red.

Kisame leans forward. "I'm appalled to learn that you harbour such concerns about me," he says. "But given your background, I completely understand, and I'm glad you're looking out for other young members. You must have been a good foster brother."

Dee is trembling like a leaf. He's this close to literally blowing up. Shark Man is gaslighting the shit out of him, and the assholes who weren't there last night are buying it. Itachi's rabid dog reputation doesn't help. But Deidara swallows his emotions. Now, that's character development. "Konan," he says, "When you came to our room last night, what exactly did Lord Pain tell you I contacted you for, huh?"

"He said you requested disruption, but he didn't know why."

"And who was in my room when you came?" His voice is hoarse. Poor kid is dying from anxiety.

"You, Itachi, Hidan, and Kisame."

"What were we doing, how was the vibe, huh?"

Her eyes widen for a split second and she turns to whisper into Pain's ear. Zetsu is giggling from his seat. Bastard probably had his own ear between them.

Pain leans back in his chair and looks around everyone involved. "None of this talk has any substance," he finally says. "And Itachi isn't saying a single word. But I can't ignore this, so pending my personal investigation, Itachi is assigned to Hidan, and Kakuzu to Kisame, although we did have our reasons to pair Kisame with Itachi to begin with."

Kakuzu seems happiest of all. Deidara looks petrified as he's starting to realize his outburst could have consequences. Itachi lets out a massive sigh and breaks the glass in his hand, screeches his chair like nails on chalkboard as he gets up, and marches out of the assembly room. Dee and I follow him outside to a grove at the back of Hokage Rock.

Before either of us can speak, Itachi lunges at me and slams me into a tree. And he was so sweet last night. As I catch my breath, Deidara meets a rock near me.

"Have you lost your minds," Itachi screams at us, pacing in the mulch. His hands are all over the place.

"That's the Ritalin," Deidara whispers, crawling up to me. "Suppose he took more than usual today to make sure he doesn't slip up, huh."

"He's slipping us, bro," I hiss, not taking my eyes off Pink-Eye.

Itachi's hands are shaking, his teeth chattering, and his movements are aggressive as shit. I can only imagine what it's doing to his blood pressure.

"Bro," I call out to him, "What's done is done, maybe chill before you hurt yourself."

Itachi kicks a tree. Unimpressed, the rugged bark peels his shin. So much for not hurting himself. "I was managing Kisame," Itachi barks in our faces. "I was in no danger last night, except for that faint spell. You got me out of that, because it's each member's damned job to prevent needless loss of manpower, so maybe get over your egoes just because you found Itachi Uchiha underperforming for a change!"

"Riiiight," I scoff. "A faint spell. Because that's totally all that was."

"You're right, I don't know," Itachi spits. "I was pretty out of it, so maybe I imagined the other stuff."

"You mean you were out of control on 'mezzo, riding my nuts and raiding Dee's booze after Kisame ra-"

His bloody shin lands in my teeth. "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Dee, say something."

"Because that's sensible right now, huh?"

And even that was saying too much; Itachi lifts the kid up by his collar and fixes him with his Sharingan. "I don't think you were around much, so what would you know about anything that allegedly happened last night?"

Deidara gulps audibly. Fuck, Itachi has more issues than Vogue. "All..." He clears his throat. "All I know is your stupid, clumsy ass tumbling down the stairs after you drank all my shit, moron, so can you drop me, huh?"

Self-preservation, figures. He's only mortal. I'm not, so I get over there and pry Dee's shirt out of Itachi's white knuckles. "We all remember what happened, even if you might have some convenient gaps. Doesn't change the facts."

"Nothing changes the facts," Itachi spits at me. "So why can't you give it a rest? Are you just being sadistic right now, because I know where you can find hookers for that."

"You did just fine last night."

Oops. Dee didn't know, that's right. Look at us standing in this little grove, facing each other as if we're briefing a mission, while we're really wondering how to end this without drawing attention from the village down the cliff. Imagine the chaos. I sure am, and I want to pour oil on this blaze, make the Fire Nation live up to its name.

Deidara seems to have caught on to my rising urges and steps between me and Itachi. "You tell yourself whatever you need to cope, asshole," he says to Itachi. "We're not getting anything out of this, so I suggest we really do let it go, huh?"

Actually, why the fuck not? Pink-Eye said he's fine. Let him be fine. But wait, "We're partners now, so you're stuck with me for a while."

Itachi sneers at his feet.

"You agreed to it, and you know exactly the fuck why."

"And if you ever bring any of it up again, I'll make sure you wish you were mortal."

Bitch, please go back on the other drug.