That Little Space Between Never And Ever [completed]

♡ Part 20 ♡

I fill my glass again with water and lean against the kitchen counter while I nip it. While I shake my head I look at all the drinks that were standing in the kitchen. I had no idea what it all was, but it was a lot and probably strong stuff too. I nip again from my water, I don't drink alcohol, and look around the room.
   There is music playing and there are multiple disco lamps. We had built it up with all of us and it had turned out really nice. I have never really been a fan of parties, but I felt very comfortable.
Lando sat on the couch with Charles, Alex and Carlos. The girls were standing before the windows, against the doors to the balconairy.
   When I look at Lando and hear his typical laugh and see his happy smile I automatically smile too. Since our first kiss I had walked around with the feeling that I was over the moon. It's a weird feeling and I'm definitely not familiar with it.
   With that smile still on my face I pick up my phone to check the time. It is 22:07 so it will be New Year in less than two hours.
   "Are you expecting a message from someone?" I suddenly hear. When I look up I look into George's blue eyes. His cheeks are a bit red and his hair is messy. I quickly break eye contact and look down at my feet.
   He refills his glass with some strong stuff and fruit juice. As far as I know he had drunk pretty much, but he isn't drunk. Everyone except for Lando and I had already drunk a lot yet. I shake my head at him.
   "I expected nothing, I was just checking the time." I answer him and receive a nod back.
   "Uhm... Olivia?" He asks and I look up at him again. "About this afternoon..."
   I can do something bad to myself. Being so used to holding things back and pretending and still breaking down on the worst moment ever, how stupid could I be? First impressions are most important and I messed mine totally up.
   ''Yes?'' I answer, while I again try to hide my feelings.
   ''I just wanted you to know that I am here for you, we all are.'' He says with a smile and I slowly nod at him. To be honest, I hadn't expected him to say this.
   ''Thank you, George. It means a lot to me.''
   ''Just come to me when you have something on your mind. Or to Lando of course!'' George quickly adds and I can't hide a small laugh.
   I notice that Lando looks at us and my smile gets bigger. I just can't believe that I am standing here with new people and truly smiling. It was a while ago that I could do that.
   ''Well, you may already know that that isn't my strongest point.'' I say. Wow, was that really self-mockery? ''But, thanks. I will remember it.'' Now it is his time to nod.
   We walk back towards the living room when George lays his hand down on my shoulder.
   Automatically I duck under the weight of his touch. I always hated to get touched and it was even worse when I didn't expect it.
   "I- I'm so sorry!" George says and I can hear in his voice that he really is. "I didn't mean to scare you or to make you feel uncomfortable or anything."
   "No, no, don't worry about it." I say because I don't know what else to say, but it feels good that he is generally sorry.
   As we get back to the couch Lando gets up and walks towards me.
   "Do you have a moment?" He asks and turns towards the kitchen.
   "Yeahh, of course." I answer while following him. Lando leans against the and it's my second time in the kitchen within a minute.
   My hands start shaking as I wait for Lando to start talking. I try to stop them from shaking by holding my own hand and squeezing hard. I hate the fact that I can't act normal around Lando while I can around, for example, Carlos. With Lando it feels like there is more pressure as I want him to like me and I don't want to screw things up around him.
   I notice that Lando looks at my hands, but he doesn't move. Something in the way he looks does change, but I can't put my finger on what exactly it is.
   ''I haven't been totally honest with you earlier today, on the square you know.'' He starts talking. I try to keep eye contact with him, but I can't and I think of all the possible things he can be about to say.
   ''They all told me not to talk about past relationships and all the stuff with you, but I feel like I sort of have to.'' Lando steps closer to me and after he gets my permission he takes my hands in his. They are still shaking, but he is able to calm me down a bit. I somehow wished that I could just lean in and be close to him, feeling his arms around my like last night and just being safe with him.
   ''I have had a, uhmm, troubled relationship in the past. 'She' acted like she was over the moon with me, but as soon as I invited her to meet my friends she was flirting with George... 'She' has never been with me because of me, 'She' only was with me to get closer to him. It's not the time to lie now, it broke my heart and you can ask everyone over here, they didn't expect me to bring someone over again in a long long time. There have been a lot of people in my life who just wanted something from me or who were with me because of what I achieved and not because of who I am. I don't have the slightest idea of you being here for the same reason, but I want you to know about it and it all comes back if I see you feeling comfortable around Carlos or chatting with George... Sometimes I wonder if I am enough for you and I feel so hopeless if I can't be there for you. I always look like the happy guy who smiles and jokes around and that is who I am, but it's not everything I am. I struggle with a lot of things and have my dark times too. I always want others to feel good and put that before myself. Please, do not worry about me, I got everything under control and have the right people around me to help me and I want the same for you! I don't want this to end and I want to build the most beautiful something together.''
   My eyes got wet and this time I do make eye contact with him.
   ''I-I never knew...''
   ''It's okay, I didn't tell you as I didn't want you to worry about it.''
   ''I'm so sorry that I made you feel like this, it was never my intention. I do feel comfortable around Carlos indeed, but that's only because I feel so much less pressure around him. With you I want to do everything right, I don't want to screw things up and I want you to like me, with Carlos all of that is less important. And about George, he just told me that I can come to all of them if I need anything, yes he touched me but maybe you saw that I immediately ducked under the weight of his arm. There is nothing to be worried about, the only one I'm here for is you... And not your job of course, even though that McLaren is pretty sick.'' Lando was already smiling like a little kid who got a present, but my last sentence made him laugh.
   I smile back at him, it feels better than expected to open up to him, and that he opened up to me.
   ''I'm so glad I told you about this.''
   ''And I'm glad you told me.'' I answer. For a moment I doubt, but then I pull myself closer towards him. Our eyes hook into each other and a smile appears on Lando's face. I haven't felt this brave in a long time. I stand on tiptoe and wrap my arms around his neck. Lando pulls me closer so that I can lean on his chest with my head. He wraps his strong arms around my back and for a moment I feel completely safe.
   ''Oh, get a room you two.'' Alex laughing says. We didn't even notice him coming in.
   Lando smiles and pulls me closer towards him. ''What about you leaving this one?''
   The music changes from some up beat pop stuff into slow music and Lando gently lets go of me. He bites his lip to stop smiling and it's literally the cutest.
   ''Can I have this dance?'' He asks me with a sweet voice and holds his hand in front of me.
   I take a deep breath and then nod, this New Years Eve is for new opportunities and next year will be mine.
   ''You surely can.'' I answer and place my hand in his.