What They've Done To Us

24 ➹ slipping through

"What does mom want?"

"You know your mother. She always wants you to do your best." She wants more from me. She wants me to be like her. Ivy has the art thing down; she's already been displayed in museums and so have I, but mom wants me coming out on top. She wants no one else to be on my level.

"I'm trying my best dad." I'm trying my fucking hardest to be who they want me to be. To be who everyone expects me to be.

"I know." That's not good enough, is what he means. Dad's too nice to say it, but I know it's what he's thinking. It's what everyone's been thinking - at least Lo had the balls to say it to me.

"I've got to go; I have to study for a test."

"But you never stu-"

"Love you dad, talk to you tomorrow." I hung up not wanting to hear any more of his lies. All I've been hearing is lies. I stare back up at Everette Law's 'slipping through my fingers' and sigh wondering who he based this off of.

Who is slipping through his fingers? Why are they that special? I grow irritated at the fact there's no comment. Does he have no voice? I mean, I love art. And the fact you can interpret so many things from nothing but I hate the lack of conclusion. You never know what the artist is truly feeling.

I wish I was my art. Surface levelled, there to be admired and nothing else. But then I'm glad I'm not constantly projected to have people draw their own conclusions. I wish he'd just talked to me instead of fighting Lo. I wish Caleb had understood why I was embarrassed after he fought him.

"People diet Caleb, it's normal." He's acting like I'm committing some crime by dieting, as if it's not normal.

"Not you, not like this."

"What's that supposed to even mean?" He's not making any sense, am I not allowed to diet? Am I not allowed to better myself?

"Not for the reasons you are and not because of the things you want to achieve."

"I don't have to explain myself to you. You're not my dad Caleb, you're my friend."

"And as your friend I'm telling you whatever the fuck Lo has been telling you is false. Sage, you're fucking fine." He's lying to me. He wants me to stay like this, I don't know why?

"Leave me alone. I don't want to talk about it." I'm fucking embarrassed about what happened. Everyone's going to want to know why Caleb got into that fight and now my name will be dragged into it. I don't want everyone to know, I didn't even want Caleb to know.

"No. Tell me you don't believe him, Sage."

"No, you don't get it. You have everything Caleb! You don't know what it's like to want to be someone else, to not like how you are. Lo was right, he was helping me."

"Helping you? By telling you to fucking throw up your food?" I draw back and Caleb winces at the harshness of his words.

"He was trying to help me." I know I sound delusional but it's the only thing that'll get me by. How am I supposed to admit to Caleb restricting what I eat is the only time I ever feel in control? How do I explain to him it's the only time I feel calm - like I'm winning?

"That's not helping you, he isn't your friend Sage, he wants you to be at your weakest. He wants you at your lowest so he can beat you."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, I don't want you suffering alone."

"I'm not suffering Caleb, just because something happened and you don't know anything about it, that doesn't mean you can control the situation. You know nothing about suffering, let alone doing it alone. Why would I listen to your advice?"