Swan Goin' Wolf

Anxiety

 I now know why people with paranoia and anxiety kill themselves when it becomes too much. My stomach was in knots over what could happen, the things that I couldn't control. I feared that someone would get hurt or killed, I feared that plans or decisions would change and we would be caught off guard. Not even Sam was able calm me down as the day I feared came closer with every passing minute. I was making myself sick with my worry. I had already hurled three times this morning and that was the only thing that kept me from my pacing.

I knew it wasn't helping with the pack's or Sam's stress levels, but I couldn't stop myself. I had to do something, I couldn't sit and stare at the TV like Kim was doing as she clung to Kim like a life vest, or play footsie under the table to distract myself like Paul and Emily, or even play barbie tea party and be oblivious like Claire and Quil as they sat together on the living room floor. I paced the length of the kitchen as Sam walked from the doorway. I knew he hated when I got like this, but I needed to move, I couldn't hold still, I felt like I was going insane.

"That's it." Sam said and grabbed a hold of me and lifted me onto the center island.

"Talk, scream, cry, punch me. Do something. I can't watch you pace anymore and I won't be able to leave and have a clear head if I know you are here slowing driving yourself insane." Sam said harshly as he gave me a slight shake.

"I can't. I don't know what to do. I can't just sit and do nothing while I know what's going on. I need to do something and the only thing I can think to do is pace." I said desperately as I looked into Sam's eyes. Sam sighed and pulled me to him.

"We need to think of something." He pulled me away and looked at my face.

"What's something that you need to focus when you do? Something that won't let you think while you do it?" I thought hard about it. It was difficult with my brain going a thousand miles an hour. Then I realized what room I was in.

"I can cook." I said and Sam took a deep breath and gave me a small smile.

"Yes, you can cook. What will you make?" He asked and I hopped off the counter and looked in the refrigerator and cabinets.

"I have the ingredients for baked fish and I can make french fries. We can have cheesecake, too." I said and looked over at Sam.

"Sounds fine by me." He leaned back into the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. I started pulling the ingredients out and got to work with dressing the fish and getting it ready to cook. When I put the knife down Sam pulled me away and kissed me hard on the lips.

"I love you. I'll be back as soon as possible." Sam kissed me again and I could feel the tears in my eyes. I tried to give Sam a smile and he kissed my head before joining the rest of the pack as they walked into the trees. I took a deep breath and turned back to what I was doing. The fish was ready, so I set it in a bag to marinate and moved on to making the french fries. I could hear the others in the living room and it wasn't long before Claire was sitting at the counter with a coloring book and Kim and Emily set about helping me cook. The pack would be hungry when they got back and we would need enough food to feed them all.

The pack had trained for these physically stronger newborns with the Cullens. They had taught them how to fight and defend themselves. I had to hope that it was enough to bring them all back alive. I didn't know what I would do if something happen to any of the people that had become the family that I had always wanted while I grew up alone with dad. Kim and Emily had become my sisters, Jared, Paul, Embry, Jake, Quil, and Seth had become my brothers. Leah became a cousin that I didn't fully get along with, but still cared about, Brady and Collin had become like children to me that I had to protect and care for and Claire had become the niece that we all adored.