Late Night Thoughts

Do you ever hate yourself

     Many people must have dealt with the fact that they don't like something about themselves. There are many reasons and many causes. I can't really dive into it because I'm not qualified but I can speak from my experience and my thoughts.
     It's a long process to find good qualities when people feel so strongly about hating themselves- not like it's always wanted to feel that way but it happens. It's a hard mindset to get out of especially when someone is conditioned in a environment that enables those thoughts.

      I grew up in a generally good environment. There were bad things in that environment, there's always gonna be bad experiences but I didn't mind it. I considered it good compared to what others can go through. But people can grow up in a good environment and still struggle.
     People don't have to automatically go through the worst abuse to know what it's like to struggle with mental health issues. So even if I had it good, I have hated myself. I've known what it's like to find it hard to want to get up and even go about the schedule I've been in for years.

      I don't like to say I have trauma- even if I'm in a good place now, I don't want to make my feelings feel like a big deal even if they were serious. I've told myself that they weren't as big of a deal as they were because I told myself I grew up so good.
      Even now, I don't ever talk about what I went through even if it's considered traumatizing. I don't even like admitting it because I think it'll make me a terrible person to tell other people because I might just be doing it for attention.

      I don't think that's what it is here though because this book doesn't even have that many people reading it. I'm just here to get my thoughts out.
      So I've dealt with a sort of trauma even if admitting that is weird to me. It is for most people because others have the same problem too. They're hesitant to admitting the fact that what they went through was a validated ordeal. Validated in the meaning that their feelings were validated- that it was ok to feel the possible way they felt. The traumatic experience itself is not validated.

      I can't really speak on deep trauma, I can't give the advice that a therapist should give. I'm just saying that I've went through it too, that sometimes it feels easier to think that death is an escape. Or other excuses to come to terms with the same concept.
       Now, I say I'm in a good place. Though, it's hard. It takes much more than words. It takes realizing your trauma/past and coming to terms with it. You have to accept it as a part of your life and that's the scary thing.

      People don't want it to be a part of their lives. They would rather live without it and that's understandable. But you can't live without it once it happened, you can only come to terms with it. You can only forgive yourself for it.
       Forgiving is not forgetting accountability. It doesn't eliminate being responsible for any mistakes caused or harm done. But you can forgive yourself for the trauma you've dealt with- most of the time it isn't your fault. It's no one's fault to have to deal with it.

       Just because someone deals with stuff like that, doesn't mean they are warranted to cause harm, though. Most of the time, they can't help that when they're so lost from their trauma but even they must be held accountable if the actions they've done warranted it.
      Again, I'm not really qualified to fully speak on this- I guess something just made me think about it and want to write it down.

       I guess my leaving words will be- if you look at your past self, where you were struggling especially, what would you do? Would you comfort them, tell them it's ok? If so, why not do that currently? You are apart of that younger version, that younger you is still you now.
       Forgive yourself in all the forms you take, if not now, then eventually.