It's Always Been You

Chapter 31

April 2022 - Lyon, France

As the season was coming to a close, and since by that time I had done pretty much everything you could do in France, life in Lyon had been kind of boring lately. There wasn't anything else to do tourist wise, nor was there any restaurant I hadn't tried, and our next match wasn't until we hosted PSG in a couple of weeks, so most of the week was spent training at a high intensity, meaning that I was exhausted by the end of the day.

One evening, after a long day of gym and fitness work, I decided to FaceTime Danielle, as it had been a while since we spoke. We weren't fighting or anything, but for some reason, in recent weeks we hadn't had much time to talk.

"Hey!" I greeted once she picked up quickly, observing her kitchen which was decorated with different ingredients.

"Hello," she answered enthusiastically, jokingly saying, "I'm on dinner duty because my parents went out to dinner and left me to fend for myself, even though I can't even walk." She was now on crutches, having just got out of the wheelchair a couple of days ago. It had been around a month since her surgery, and she still hadn't even started rehabilitation at all yet, so I knew that it must be difficult for her.

"Oh wow, exciting." I replied, giggling, telling her; "I might go cook my own dinner, it's already getting late."

"What are you making?" She questioned curiously, "I'm making some pasta." She then attempted to turn the camera to where she was stirring the saucepan, but struggled due to her already preoccupied hands.

I laughed, making my way to my small apartment's kitchen. I couldn't believe I had been living in France for nearly a year, and was even more surprised whenever I realised that the season was nearly over. It felt like just yesterday when preseason began, let alone the start of the actual official matches, so it was hard to come to terms with the fact that the year had passed by so quickly.

Deciding to cook pasta too, I spent a few minutes searching for the ingredients, leaving Daan and I in peaceful silence. She stirred her sauce while I opened and closed the different cupboards, a feeling of calm occupying the quiet. I was debating on whether to tell her about my panic attacks, but wasn't sure if I should or not, and couldn't come to a decision.

After a while of both us preparing our meals, we decided to stay on call as we ate, since neither had anyone else to talk to, as her family had gone out and I was living alone.

"So, how excited are we for the Champions League final?" Daan said suddenly, reminding me of our upcoming match against Barcelona and my panic attacks.

"Not very excited to be honest." I answered, realising I that did actually want to tell her about my recent mental issues. With Danielle, I had always felt a sense of instant comfort and relief, and I had always been extremely at ease when talking to her or sharing things about my life. She knew a lot more about me than anyone else really, so I said to her, "You remember how I had a panic attack after the Juventus game right?"

"Yeah of course." She asked worriedly, her tone or voice sounding a little nervous, "Are you having any more now?"

"Yeah unfortunately. At least not intense ones, but my anxiety levels are extremely higher than normal. I'm a little worried because I haven't had such consistent ones since lockdown, and I was in a much worse place back then so..."

"I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, do you know if there are any specific reasons?"

"Before matches I tend to freak out, and even during matches I can feel my heartbeat rising because of nervousness. I've never struggled with dealing with pressure before, which is why I'm a little concerned."

"Do you think you should be playing still?"

"Truthfully? Maybe, maybe not. Actually probably not, but it depends."

"How come you are still playing even though you think you probably shouldn't?"

"I never said that I think I shouldn't, I don't really know though. I want to help the team and I know that I shouldn't let pressure get to me."

"Yeah but are we sure that this is happening because of the pressure? I'm worried about you, Valentine. Are you sure you shouldn't be taking a break?"

"I can't take a break, I need to be playing. Even if it might not be best for me, I made a commitment to this team and I'm going to follow through with it. I'm not a quitter, that's for sure."

Despite Daan's clear reluctance to my determination to continue playing despite what was happening with me mentally, we eventually stopped talking about football, opting to discus holiday destinations and what we wanted to do after football. It reminded me of one of the first conversations we had all those months ago, when we just started to become friends. It was strange how my life had transformed since then, not in drastic measures but definitely in some ways. Farmor dying, my relationship with Danielle, my personality and outlook on life, and even through my football career, my change in position and thrust into the spotlight within the women's football community. Although I had my fair share of struggles growing up, important matches never stressed me out as much as they did others, as football was somewhat of an escape to me growing up. It was something I chose to do, and so many people around me made sacrifices so I could do what I wanted to do, and I owed it to them to work as hard as I could and do them proud.

AN:
Thank you for all of your support recently, and I've been trying to upload as consistently as possible for you guys. I'm really happy with how this story is going and I can't wait for you guys to read everything else I have planned... thanks again!!!!!! hope you all enjoyed :)