It's Always Been You

Life After

December 2022 - Valkenswaard, Netherlands

This Christmas, I was celebrating with Daan's family in her hometown in the Netherlands. After the Euros, we had returned to Lyon and the team had a good start to the season, but I was excited for the festive break.

Today however was the 29th of December, the yearly date which I used to honour my passed relatives. Exactly fourteen years ago, I was sat in a hospital room watching my sister get taken off life support, and now I was celebrating her and everyone else dear to me who had also been taken. Of course I still cried once in a while, missing my Dad and the way he played his favourite music in the car and made us all sing on our way to the Malmö games, or the way Farfar so tenderly looked after his beloved grandchildren. I missed his laugh, so rich and full of life, and the paintings he would spend so long meticulously making, so that he could gift them to us for our birthdays. I missed Astrid and her silly Grey's Anatomy, I missed our bickering and I missed her big sister advice. I missed Farmor and her resilience, and the way she could fix any situation.

There were four candles in front of me, to represent each person, and I carefully lighted them, watching the tip of the flame sway from side the side, hoping that wherever they were, they were watching over me.

This past year had been a time of self reflection, self learning and self love, and I was so grateful to have achieved and learnt so much, in regards to football and in regards to my personal life.

"I miss you," I said to no one in particular, looking between the candles and the sky, "I hope you're proud of me."

Whether it was the way the flames of the candles seemed to get brighter, or the way I felt a cool breeze waft over me, or the way I just felt a gut feeling, I knew they heard me, and I knew they were proud.

February 2022 - Lyon, France

"Can you believe it's already your birthday?" Daan asked as she drove us to the Lyon training centre on Valentine's Day. "And the day of love."

"I can just tell it's going to be a bad day." I groaned, examining the terrible weather and the rain that was pouring down, "It's like pathetic fallacy."

"Don't be so negative, maybe I'll surprise you with something."

"Please do!" I replied laughing.

"Your birthday post is already extremely lovey dovey, if that's good enough." Daan replied, making me blush. "Let me know what you think when I post it a little later, I'm sure you will love it, I chose some extremely cute photos as well."

Daan was correct - I did indeed love it. She had included multiple pictures, some I didn't even know she had. The first was from the summer, of me at the restaurant we had gone to on her birthday. The next one was of us during Christmas, followed by a picture taken by Julie, of me and her talking after the Euros win. In another, I sitting on our sofa, wearing an orange Netherlands jersey while watching the World Cup just a couple months ago, as Sweden hadn't qualified, and in the second to last I had a face mask on and my hair in a messy bun, a picture taken on FaceTime. The final was a mirror selfie of the two of us, taken on a day trip to Annecy at a store.

daniellevddonk: Happy birthday to min hjælpeprinsesse, mijn liefje and min favorit, you are the best. Thankful for all you do, you are an inspiration day in and day out. Keep trying to beat me in footy tennis or UNO, because it will never work 🤭. Love you big 🥰💛

I was reminded again of how she was my person, my everything and my love, all in one. I loved her more than words could describe, and I can only thank my angels for bringing us together.