It's Always Been You

Chapter 30

April 2022 - Paris, France

After the first leg against PSG and our loss, we had a week full of training before we needed to play them again, this time in Paris. I had been all off the past few days, with my mood and even my gameplay not being like normal, but I was still set to be starting, with Sonia confident in me either way.

When I arrived at our training centre around an hour or so before we had to go on the coach and travel to Paris, I was sitting in the hallway, near where I was when I first experienced my panic attack after a while of not having them, back when we played Juventus.

The more and more I thought about the match and as the time passed by, I could feel my heartbeat quicken and found it harder to breathe. I was about to have an anxiety attack, so I ran to the nearby guest bathroom where I splashed some cold water onto my face in order to try and calm myself down.

I couldn't breathe properly at all though soon after, and I collapsed on the floor, my mind full with images of defeat. For some reason, I felt as though I was destined to screw up the match later, and that it was going to end up being a failure again, like last time. As I tried to recollect myself, my mind switched to thoughts about Farmor, which made me cry even more because I just missed her so much. I was thinking about things I hadn't thought about since my teenage years, and I was shocked at how I was reacting to the immense pressure I felt I had.

Eventually I was able to calm down, thankful that the period of anxiety didn't get too bad, although I was worried about what it meant for my mental state going into such an important match. I was tempted to tell Sonia, knowing I probably wouldn't be mentally ready to play, but I was also filled with some sort of drive to win, despite the confidence I had, thinking that I would fail.

On the coach ride there, as I sat next to Lindsey, I felt my anxiety levels rise, as they always did when I was in some sort of car or bus, but more so than recently. Going to the small bathroom in the bus made me even more stressed out, the hot and tiny room making me feel claustrophobic. So, I returned to my seat and opened the window in order to try and feel less trapped, the morning air cooling down the stuffy vehicle.

As we approached the Parc des Princes stadium, where we would be playing, I knew that I shouldn't be playing. My recent onset of anxiety and stress wasn't good, especially since I knew that it impacted my game play. It didn't feel right, but I still didn't tell anyone.

Our lineup was a 4-4-2, and in the midfield with me was Lindsey, Damaris and Amandine. Despite my personal opinions about what I should do regarding playing, we started the match with both sides eager to find a result. PSG were in front of their home fans and with a slim lead, but knowing that we were the better team in our last face-off and that they had to step up their game in order to go through. We hoped to get a goal as early as possible to even have a chance of progressing, but the match started off badly. Although neither team scored, PSG had the far higher number of chances and shots, drastically different to their performance last match. Going into the dressing room after our first half had been sub-par was terrifying, knowing that we now had a limited time left to score.

Sonia didn't talk much to us, as she was angry and irritated with the team's start to the match. She told us her the game plan for the final quarter of the two matches, not saying much more, but Wendie, our team captain, urged us to continue playing intensely and to show them what we were capable of.

Throughout the second half, PSG decided to switch to a more defensive style, content on keeping their lead through the rest of the game. Even with our much improved beginning to the second half, PSG were able to extend their aggregate lead with a goal off a corner, a creative set piece routine that confused our defenders and allowed them to easily score through Jordan Huitema, who had just come on as a substitution for Katoto.