My secret lives

Chapter 10

After watching the movie, Atlas walked me back to my room for if I didn't remember the right way.

I did remember it but I-...I guess I appreciate the way he wants to get to know me more.

No one ever wanted to get to know me except for Ares and him.

I avoid looking in the mirror and just get dressed in my sweatpants and hoodie with a shirt underneath.

Of course I also wear my underwear.

When I'm finished, I only quickly brush my hair since I already brushed my teeth before showering than I walk to the massive bed.

I sit down in the edge of the bed first.

It's so soft, like a cloud.

It feels so amazing, so luxurious.

So good and I know I don't deserve it but I can't help and crawl under the sheets.

My body quivers a little from the cold but again like before I ignore it like I've always have.

I close my eyes and try to fall asleep while hoping that I won't get any nightmares.

I know that when I take painkillers, I sleep very deep which means I don't get any nightmares then but since I'm sleeping so deeply I also know that whatever is happening around me- I won't wake up from.

I don't know if I'm safe here, in this house with this people. Probably not so I'm not going to risk it.

A few minutes pass and I don't fall asleep.

I switch positions again and start counting sheep.

Maybe that'll help? I mean people always say it helps so why not try it out.

—

134 sheep

135 sheep

136 sheep

137 sheep

138 sheep

I release a big breath and switch positions again.

I take some deep breaths as I try to calm my mind.

I groan annoyed and decide to get out of bed.

I can't fall asleep in this.

It's too soft

Too comfortable

I walk to the corner of the room with a small blanket wrapped around my body.

I lie down on the floor while using my arm as a pillow.

I hug the blanket close to me and close my eyes once more.

I see my dead mother's eyes stare into me but it's okay.

I know it's okay

This is how I've always slept.

In the corner on a hard surface while being extremely cold.

At the time while I was living with him I could never sleep in that nice bed I was provided either.

It just didn't feel right and every time I tried to, I ended up staying awake all night.

I take a deep breath as my ribs burns harshly and slowly feel darkness take over my body.

———

"No!" I scream breathing heavily.

Sweat rolls down my forehead as hair sticks to the back of my neck.

Tears prick behind my eyes but I don't let them fall.

I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths.

No panic attacks.

I don't want any panic attacks.

Remember what he taught me, do what he told me to do in these situations.

I cross my hands over my chest while linking my thumbs over/in each other- like a butterfly.

I breath in through my nose than out through my mouth.

I keep doing this while tapping my hands on my chest in turn. One after the other, again and again and again.

Good memories, think of good things.

I remember him holding me, after I had a panic attack.

I had a lot of them when I was younger, almost daily but he-....he helped me with them.

He taught me methods for when these happened together with Ares.

They held me until I felt okay again.

Until I felt ready to face that cruel world out there again.

I think of that.

I think of them holding me.

I think of them stroking my hair while muttering some calming words.

Eventually I start to calm down and I drop my hands.

I open my eyes again and see that I'm no longer lying on the floor but in the bed instead.