To have and to loathe

• 𝐂hapter 41

"Killian..." I moaned—my fingers digging into his hair as I held him against me and demanded more—more contact, more fervor, more him.

"So needy." He breathed between kisses, reverencing every inch of me with his hands. "So soft." They snuck under my shirt, palming my breasts and tweaking my nipple with his thumb and I whimpered my surprise but he didn't stop. He nudged my legs farther apart, hooking one of my thighs around his waist as his free hand traveled, slipping through my shorts and then his breath hitched when he realized I was bare underneath. "You have no idea how much I've been dying to sink my fingers into you."

I strained to keep my focus as his thumb teased my clit. "Why haven't you?"

His lips dragged across my neck, nibbling on my skin. "Because you've been a handful." His fingers slid into me and I moaned out, throwing my head back against the door. "I've missed this." He grunted, stroking me deeply, curling his fingers, so much so that my teeth sank into the swollen flesh of my lower lip. "I missed how wet you could get for me."

My eyes were half-closed as I fought off the growing need for release. This wasn't going to be enough. With all the energy I could muster, I splayed my hands across his chest and pushed against it so he pulled away completely. "Bed now."

He chuckled, dipping his finger into his mouth and licking off my essence. I shivered. 

"Didn't know you missed my cock that much."

"Don't let it get to your head." I pulled his head down to mine again, and then it was happening. Desperate hands undid buttons, lowered zippers, pushed cloth down and we were in the bed, and he was atop me, spreading my legs, kissing me everywhere, on my lips, on my throat, my shoulder, my breasts.

"You're trying to torture me, aren't you?" I moaned, arching as he played with my nipple, flicking gently, as though he had an eternity to explore me, and perhaps he did. Perhaps I would let him explore me for as long as he wished.

"I can't help it." He took my nipple into his mouth, sucking softly, leaving me crying out and sliding my fingers into his hair. "I want to ravish every bit of you."

"Oh, Killian." I was straining for more of his touch, for more of his lovely mouth, for more of him. And he gave it to me, he braced his arm on either side of me, readying himself between my parted legs.

"Ready for me baby?"

I nodded desperately, my heart clenching in anticipation. He leaned forward and kissed me again, long slow, and deep, and with one push he sank inside me, his mouth swallowing the sounds that escaped my throat as he filled me completely, utterly, absolutely.

He stilled for a moment, allowing my body to adjust to the tight incursion. I was used to his size but that didn't take away the delicious soreness I felt every time he entered me. "Baby," he groaned, leaving addicting kisses all over my skin as he forced himself to stay still and unmoving inside me. "You're so beautiful you know that right? And I'd do anything you want because I can't get enough of you."

My eyes lit up and I hadn't realized his words until now. "Do you mean it, Killian? Would you really do anything I want?"

"Yes, baby." He breathed. "Like a fool, I'll do anything."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and desperately drew in air to my dry lungs. "Then make love to me."

His lips paused and his dark eyes roved over my face but I wasn't going to take back my words. I wanted him to see that I wasn't holding anything back and he didn't need to. "Make love to me like we're in a relationship and you really love me."

His breath left his body in a smothered rush of sound as he stared at me in shock. "Hope, what you're asking for..."

"I know." My lashes flushed as I looked at anywhere but him. "I know you don't love me and I know this can complicate things but it's what I want."

"I just." He closed his eyes in conflict and sighed before opening them back to meet mine. "Just for tonight." He slid his hand up the length of mine and intertwined it. "I'll be in love with you just for tonight."

"Just for tonight..." I whispered, closing my eyes as he slid out of me and entered back in, deeply, slowly.

It was like the barrier between us disappeared. Our moments of sex had never felt this good, and I wondered if it would ever feel this way with a man that wasn't Killian Fobster.

"You feel so amazing." He breathed, bringing his face close to mine, watching me fall apart with each sensational thrust.

What we were doing right now, It was—I moaned out his name, I moaned out a plea, lifting my hips sharply off the bed and pressing as close to him as possible and he flexed his hips in the same motion, higher and higher, over and over.

My eyes tightened as the emotion spilled out of me. "Oh, Killian... I don't ever want this to end."

"Neither do I."

My eyes fluttered open and an avalanche of sensation hit me from all sides.

My body clamped tight around him.  This feeling in my chest... This sweet, sublime, over-full feeling— it dragged me closer to my orgasm and when I closed my eyes, a tear slipped.

In this fragment of time, I realized I was in love. I was falling In love with Killian and the thought pushed me over the edge. Despite all the dick moves and icy demeanor he'd thrown at me, I still fell for him, and it was his fault. He should have kept more distance between us. Why did he care? Why the books? The job? And most of all why didn't he keep me out of his bed?

"Look at me Hope," his breathing changed, becoming shallow, rushed. My stomach fluttered. "Look at me while you cum."

"Killian," my senses disconnected and solely concentrated on what he was doing to me. "I'm cumming."

The familiar force deep in my belly tightened, pulling my climax with it and I gave it all up with one cry.

"That's it..." He panted, pounding into me in heavy intense thrusts, and then with one loud grunt, he closed his eyes and found his release, holding me in place as he poured himself into me and he waited for his breathing to slow before fluttering his eyes open.

The way he stared at me, I wondered if he was about to say the three words I so desperately wanted to hear but he didn't, he just pulled out of me slowly and the sudden emptiness I felt had my eyes welling up with tears I didn't understand.

I didn't want to cry over something as stupid as this and I didn't want him to see me this vulnerable but when I sniffled, worry instantly married his face. "What's wrong?" His eyes skimmed over me. "Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?"

"No," I said quickly. "It's just...I never thought I would feel this great."

A look of relief washed over his face and he gave me a smile that turned my bones to water. Killian hardly smiled. "Me neither," he murmured and gathered me so my head was resting on his chest and I could hear the frantic beating of his heart. "I can't resist you, you know that don't you? And I'm tired of pretending that I can." He stroked my hair. "We can do this as much as you want us to. I'll make love to you and fuck you whenever, wherever, however you wish, okay?"

His words curled around me and I nodded, curbing down the flutter in my chest as we laid there for a few more minutes, hours, who knew?