By Sin We Fall

Chapter Twelve

The flight was a peaceful one. I loved the whole experience of flying, being held by the atmosphere, gliding to our destination in the stillness of the night sky. Looking below at the world that was entangled in tiny lights. Everything just seemed so insignificant from up here, all my worries turned into silly little nuances. Staring out my window, listening to Clair de lune as the cabin lights dimmed, I kept smiling. Upon seeing my reflection in the window I would shake it off then promptly be overcome with another event that would have me laughing a silent gleeful admission. I was fully satisfied with my time in New York. I was full with the experience of it all. Mauro and Simone were left looking at me in perplexity. I was usually like a begging kid in their presence, constantly asking for anything to do, a tiny bit of fresh air. I was still myself though, no matter my environment I couldn't lose myself. Or thats what I kept telling myself. Deep in the belly of the plane held a stowaway that didn't belong. A cell phone that was turned off. 

 I tried to sleep that night but images of stolen kisses in broken alleyways haunted me.

Amo

My lungs started restricting, my body felt like shutting down, my heart was beating at an erratic pace. The water was like a thousand needles to my nerves. This was where it happened, the tools to learn to stay calm in the uncertainty. To breathe deeply through the pain. To focus when everything seemed to be going wrong. Finding clarity in chaos was what I needed to become a good leader. Focusing when I wanted to shut everything off. Overcoming primal instincts and expanding to the next level available to me. Acceptance settled in and for this second everything was still. Acceptance wasn't defeat, it was a tool to stop wasting energy and actually see what was within my control. I could see my goals and not be lost in the problems, everything seemed simple in this state. "Ten.'' Marco announced. Even though I was just getting into the elusive zone that granted a euphoric feeling, I got out of the icy water and went straight into the steam room. Finally being able to fill my lungs fully. The heat burned my skin for the first minute. I had to have a clear mental state to rule or I could just throw all of it away. A clear mind was imperative to stay alive and more than that to stay on top. My mind was sharp now. I could take on anything, an ambush, a complaint, the antics of my many incessant relatives. I was beyond it all but still able to assess the situation. My muscles that were strained after my earlier workout now felt relieved after the cold plunge. I involuntarily let a laugh slip when an event from yesterday came to mind. She thought the phone was sweet, little did she know where it came from, a dead man. The details of how he died may or may not have something to do with me. Minor details. It was his burn phone but in good condition. Roburto was about to throw it out till I quickly said that I wanted to keep it which caused a lot of raised eyebrows. Our meetings were so fleeting and in the moment that the next day nothing concrete proved the fact that they were actually real. Clarity was something I couldn't afford to lose right now, yet I actively let it go with Margaret. Besides the fact things were progressing with the Camorra and their far off attacks that hit outside cities we'd never planned on. Their behavior was always erratic and bizarre but even more so now. I was trying to decode their actions but the extensive time I dedicated to it provided no actual answers. The wedding was progressing as well. Yes, besides the fact I hadn't even decided on a bride, Mom and my aunts saw no reason to not go ahead with the wedding decisions. Reservations, flowers, venues, all sent with question marks and flagged as very important. Interrupting meetings with urgent messages such as to have trim on the lace or not. I agreed to whatever they wanted but they still didn't leave me alone. "This is such an important event in your life Amo!" Mom would say when it all seemed so inconsequential. None of it felt real, it felt like it would all be forgotten in a week. The importance of it that everyone else preached to me passed my consciousness completely. It was something I knew would be required of me but even I was surprised by how little concern I attended to it. It was the wedding of the year and nobody knew who the bride was. The fact that I was more invested in the game with Margaret than my wife was getting concerning. The situation with Margaret was precarious but it was no reason for Andrea to get his panties in a bunch for it. Yet from our last meeting I felt betrayed. The innocent way she conducted herself that was so alluring to me now offended me. Her gentle sweet presence that seemed so harmless was hiding something far more dangerous. The power I had underestimated that was beneath it. It had the power to capsize a ship, sink it before it reaches its long determined destination. The course that had been set for many years. I had underestimated her and I felt ashamed for it. She was unsettling my closely held beliefs that had defined me. Control slipped away as her lips met mine. I lost clarity and reason and fell into the abyss of elsewhere. Reality slipped away and for the first time in a long while I was scared to the core of my being. My closely acquired self that I thought was strong as stone fell to dust. The high I was riding off of after my victory over Fillip was forgotten and instead I was left feeling in the worst kind of defeat. The win seemed like decades ago and I drove home in a vile mood. "Bad race?" my long-time doorman asked. "I won,'' I said irritated and walked to the elevator. The worst part was that she seemed so unaffected by it all, blissfully unaware of what she had done to me. While I was living in an inner turmoil of hell, Margaret seemed to be in a rose-filled world of her own as I was driving her back to her dorm. She slowly caressed the air outside of the car window with love struck eyes for the city. This was not how the game should've gone and the whole thing was screaming for me to let go of it before I was in too deep. To leave with dignity rather than leave in defeat. Yet I was never more invested in the game than I was now. I wasn't one to leave something half done, the game wasn't over and I wasn't going to bail. Among the myriad of things that was Margaret, there was something beneath the exterior that she showed that didn't line up. A mystery to be uncovered. Again, I didn't leave things half finished.