Shadows of the Past

Chapter 2 - A Mother's Agony

After a few monumental blunders made when her sister's presence darkened their home, Radhaji decided that she will not interfere in their lives.  But that was easier said than done.  For months, she has seen Madhu's soul wither to the point of being nonexistent.  She has witnessed the immense transformation of a perennially optimistic, strong-willed, caring young woman into a stone cold woman who prefers the shadows.  Neither can she ignore the changes in RK.  For a brief period in time, she has been fortunate enough to see her son be truly happy.  So it absolutely kills her that once again, he is back to his old ways of drinking away his misery.  The past has taught her to be cautious about sticking her oars into others business.  But she's a mother and there's only so much she can withstand silently before reaching her breaking point.

Radhaji gently reaches out and touches Madhu's shoulders, making her presence known.  Madhu slowly turns around to face the woman she regards more as a mother than a mother-in-law.  For a fleeting second, Radhaji catches a glimpse of Madhu's inner turmoil in her gaze and it was enough to break her heart. 

Radhaji (cups Madhu's face):  What's wrong?  Why is my bahu so upset?

Madhu smiles politely and moves slightly away from Radhaji. 

Madhu:  I am not upset maa...everything is fine.

Radhaji (sighs inwardly out of sheer frustration):  I thought you considered me to be like your mother and not a saas?

Madhu quickly wraps her arms around Radhaji and envelopes her into a tight hug.

Madhu (apologetically):  Sorry maa...of course I think of you as my mother.  You are too cute and sweet to be a typical saas.

Radhaji (softly):  Then won't you trust me and tell me what's wrong?  I am not blind beta.  For the last year or so I have seen you hide your pain but I know it's there.  After all that didi has put you and Rishu through, I promised myself that I won't interfere in your lives but all I see is my children are miserable.  I am a mother...and I can't stand that both of you are so unhappy.  I can't remain silent and watch you be in pain and hurt each other.  It breaks my heart into tiny little pieces.  Talk to me...(grabs Madhu's shoulder and gently shakes her)...talk to me beta.  Let me help you get through the pain...let me help you heal so you can be my sweet, pagli bahu again and my Rishu's jungli billi biwi.

Madhu gently pushes Radhaji's hands off her shoulders and looks away.  A part of her wants to throw herself into her warm, loving arms and take comfort. She longs to break free of the invisible wall around her heart and let the tears wash away all her pain.  But she take comfort in Radhaji's arms and soothing word.  She can't allow a mother to help another mother who has failed to protect her own baby.  She is undeserving of such love, care and attention. 

Radhaji (calls out softly):  Madhu...

Madhu (shakes her head to clear her thoughts and smiles):  Maa you've been watching soaps for far too long to come to such a conclusion. 

Radhaji:  Madhu you were in tears and I just told you I am your mom...I know (points to her heart) I know deep down in my heart that you're hurting and that you've kept a check on your tears for a long time.  (Urgently) You need to let it go before it kills you from within.

Madhu smiles tightly, she does not fear death, the withering of her soul.  She's already dead. 

Radhaji just looks at her, hoping and praying that she has made some cracks on the wall surrounding Madhu's heart.

Madhu (finally responds):  A speck of dust or something must have gotten into my eyes to make it water.  (Smiles brightly) But I am fine now...see?  You worry unnecessarily maa and all it does is increase your blood pressure. 

Radhaji (sighs in defeat):  If you won't talk to me Madhu then you need to talk to someone else...talk to Padminiji or Trishna...or Roma...anyone so you can unburden your soul.  In fact, (tentatively) why don't you consult a doctor?

Madhu (straightens her spine and frowns):  Why?  I suffer from excellent health, why do I need to see a doctor?

Radhaji (shrugs helplessly as she offers up an explanation):  I think you and Rishu should both seek help from a counselor, both individually and as a couple.  The current situation just cannot continue as it is, it's unhealthy and I am extremely worried.  Perhaps seeking help from an uninvolved, third party will help you resolve all of your issues. 

Deep down Madhu realizes that Radhaji's words have credence.  But she lacks the courage and the strength to accept it.  She has been living in the dark for so long that it has become a constant companion.  Plus, she derisively thinks, how can some random person, granted even a doctor, can help her?  Her issue is not of the medical kind.  Can they give her a medicine to forget that she murdered her own child?  Can they perform a medical procedure to miraculously bring that baby back?  Can they help her be both a mother and a wife without having to choose?  No.  There is no cure for her current predicament.  So how will talking about it help?

Radhaji (as if sensing Madhu's inner turmoil):  You of all people should know that the heart can heal if it's nurtured and heard.  Isn't that what you did with Rishu?  You turned a janwar with a stone heart into a man.  Miracles do happen and anything is possible if only would allow it.  Madhu you need to be heard but you just can't seem to voice your feelings. 

Madhu (angrily):  Maa...I don't need counseling.  I don't need someone to diagnose every single detail of my life for their secret amusement.

Radhaji:  As you wish beta.  But I do hope you will consider my suggestion.  It certainly wouldn't hurt you to give it a try.

Radhaji walks away from Madhu and sends up a prayer to Bappa to guide his favorite devotee.  He can't abandon her now, not in her time of need.  With a heavy heart, she climbs up the stairs.  Her ever present hypertension and weak heart, Radhaji fears that she does not have much time left.  She cannot depart this world knowing her children are unhappy and at odds with each other.  She needs to know that they will be fine and will offer each other solace the day she is no longer with them.