Oleander - Bucky BarnesxOC

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: BORN UNDER A BAD SIGN

CW: Extreme violence, descriptions of blood/wounds, gun violence, mentions of dismemberment, and murder. There's also some hurt/comfort smut and slight daddy kink. The songs James listens to will be added to the playlist.

He can't sleep. There's a heaviness in his bones that he can't escape. Every time he looks at Dahlia, it feels worse.

Fuck.

James gets up, exhausted and puffy-eyed. He stumbles to the bathroom to splash some water on his face, taking the time to look over the lines around his eyes and mouth. He's not getting any younger, but that's the least of his worries right now. He feels like shit, and it's not just the hangover, but that's definitely not helping matters. James dries his face off and hangs the face towel back up as he walks into the living room. Trying to go back to sleep is useless, so he decides to go for a run. At 4:00am, leaving Dahlia fast asleep in his bed. She doesn't usually get up until 10:00am on her days off, and she'll sleep even later since she had a few drinks last night.

James looks down at her as he puts on his running shorts and a t-shirt. He grabs his headphones out of the case on his dresser and slides them around his neck, unable to stop looking at Dahlia. He's lucky to have her, and he'll be even luckier if she stays with him. She makes his heart crack wide open and James feels things he hasn't felt in almost a decade.

She's beautiful, her hair falling down her back and spilling onto the silk pillowcase. She's curled up beneath the blankets sleeping like an angel. He's never seen anyone look so peaceful, and suddenly, all of those feelings he tried to ignore last night come rushing back. He doesn't have a plan for how he's going to tackle this, or how he's going to tell her. James leans over and kisses her on the cheek.

"I love you."

Dahlia breathes softly and stretches out along the length of the bed. Even when she's sleeping, her smile lights up the whole room.

He sighs, grabs his phone off of the charger, and heads to the gym. Normally, he would run outside, but he doesn't want to take a chance with Walker. He could send James another "warning." James stretches and steps on the treadmill, pressing the buttons until he gets to a speed that is equally punishing and satisfying. If he's not dripping in sweat by the end of a workout, it wasn't really worth it. He turns on his music and lets his feet pound against the belt. Running is usually the place where he works things out in his brain. For some reason, he thinks better when his body is in motion. He gets some of the best ideas while he's running. Within ten minutes, he's dripping in sweat, relishing the burn in his legs and the way his chest heaves as he pushes his body further and further toward its limit.

Twenty minutes later, his t-shirt is soaked through, sticking to his skin. He still hasn't come up with a way to tell her who he really is. All he can do is run through horrible scenario after horrible scenario and all the ways she could walk out of his life. His mind isn't working the way it used to. He used to be able to pull at a thread and have a dozen solutions just fall into his lap. He could choose any of them, but now it's not so easy. His mind feels clouded, foggy. James hasn't felt guilt in a long time. As his feet pound against the treadmill, faster and faster until he feels his lungs searing in his chest, he wonders if this is what it feels like. He can't just think his way out of this. Nothing's coming to save him.

He has to tell her, and it has to be soon. He hates to admit when Father Paul is right, but he'll let the old man win this one. James closes his eyes and pushes himself until he feels like his legs might give out. When he looks at the clock, he realizes it's been 45 minutes, and he's missed texts. He presses the stop button and slows down until he can stop and lean against the railing, sweat covering his body. He takes his shirt off, disgusted at the thought of sweaty fabric clinging to his skin. James hops off of the machine and grabs a towel and a bottle of water, cracking it open and draining it while he unlocks his phone.