Awareness

Sexual Assault

Major trigger warning: this content is really triggering, especially to people who have endured it themselves. I find this very difficult to write about, but it needs to be discussed and people made aware.

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Sexual Assault is startlingly common in the 21st century. 1 in 5 women have experienced it, and 1 in 20 men. Although the figures differ greatly between genders, they are still equally shocking.

Many people find it effects them both mentally and physically. It's common to experience a number of different symptoms after being put through sexual assault - stress, which leads on to loss of appetite, feeling drained during the day and awake during the night, shakiness and nausea.

Those who haven't been through sexual assault often find it difficult to understand the emotions of those who have, confused as to why victims are so effected for such a long time afterwards. The simple reason is that's it's a highly traumatic scenario, in which you're used and disregarded all at once. You're taken advantage of, and your own body, your own choices, are snatched out of your hands without you wanting it. You're so scared, even afterwards, and you're frustrated. So much so that you start throwing blame where there often should be none, yet, equally, often is - maybe it's to your parents for letting you out. Maybe it's your friend for leaving you alone. Maybe it's to your sibling for not being there at the right time. Maybe, if you're religious, it's to god.
Most commonly, it's to yourself.
Where did I go wrong?
Why didn't I do more?
Why didn't I try harder to stop it?
Why couldn't I have screamed and kicked and ran harder?
The truth is, you were scared. You were scared then, and you're scared now.
And there will always be that piece of you that remains frightened, throughout the day, during the night. And sometimes it might effect you more than it does others. You can pass out as soon as you hit the pillow some times - then the others you'll lie awake until gone midnight, replaying it over and over.
What else could I have done? Was it something I wore? Something I said? Was I acting suggestively or asking for it?
No. No you were not. Because if you're lying awake now, thinking over it, regretting it and being traumatised by the memory, then you obviously weren't asking for it.
You didn't want it, but they gave it - And took it all at once.
Sadness will turn to anger.
What gave them that right to think they could do that to me? How dare they? People can go to prison for that. They should be in prison.
They didn't HAVE a right, any at all. Maybe you knew them, maybe you didn't- it doesn't matter. Was it someone you were dating? A bully? A relative? Someone you didn't know very well, or someone you didn't know at all? It doesn't matter. It's all the same, whoever did it. There is no excuse, whether you loved them or hate them. It doesn't matter. You hate them now.

Then anger turns to bitterness.
My life has been completely fcked up.
It's gone too wrong to ever be fixed.
How will I ever live happily again?
I was too scared to stop it and too weak to control it.
It makes me sick. How did this happen to me?

Because it happened to you, and, even if you tried, the end result was you couldn't stop it.

But that's not your fault.
Wrong place, wrong time, maybe.
Maybe right place, wrong time.
All at the wrong time.
But it wouldn't have been the wrong time if they weren't there at it.

It was not your fault.

So get up. Reach out. It'll always hurt, but let's embrace our scars and turn them into wings. Take yourself back. Talk to someone you love and trust. Anyone. Whoever you want. Because it's your choice.
Take your mind off it, however you want. Because it's your choice.
And get your life back on track again, however you want.

Because today, tomorrow, and every day after, it's your choice.

Take care.