Silver Linings (Andy Barber)

-4-

The next week, Andy found himself sitting in a therapists office late one afternoon after work. He'd did as Genevieve had asked of him, gone home and threw all the beer that he had out, switching back to coffee as his main choice again. He'd felt better for it so far, and had turned his attention to the new job at hand. It was keeping him busy to say the least, and it was just nice to be back doing what he knew.

Now here he was, sitting on a couch about to talk about his feelings to a stranger. Not his idea of how to unwind after work, but this was the start of his healing process.

"So Andy, we briefly discussed during the induction process as to why you're here and what outcome you'd like from it." Dr Dyers settled down into his chair, notebook and pen to hand and ready to take down notes for the session. "How are you finding things since we spoke on the phone?"

Andy thought and shrugged. "It's...ok."

"You started a new job this week didn't you? How's that been?" Dr Dyers asked, writing down a couple of things already.

"It's just been nice to get back to what I know." he shrugged. "Back in Newton, after what happened? I felt like I couldn't do it anymore, but once I was outta there? I missed it."

"What was it like back in Newton for you? After your wife and son passed?"

Andy sat forward and clasped his hands together in his lap, pondering over what had happened. "Every day has been a blur. One year on and I still feel numb...just kept telling myself that I'm fine, that staying in Newton would help keep Jake's memory alive – but eventually I realised that it was the wrong thing, and that I had nothing left to stay for."

"And that's when you chose Newburyport?"

"I lived here for a few years when I was a kid, had some friends – it was the only place that really felt home. Even Newton didn't really feel like it, and we'd been there for about fifteen years or so, moved in when Jacob was born."

Dr Dyers wrote down some more, pushing his glasses back up his nose as they slid down slightly. "And you said you had friends here? Are any still around?"

Andy nodded. "One. Pretty sad really, I always kept myself to myself growing up, even now I don't have many people in my life. Genevieve was the only one who really made the effort – I've caught up with her, I'm pretty lucky she's still here."

"And what does Genevieve think of the problems you're having?"

"She's supportive, told me to stop drinking, which I have. And to talk to someone like you."

Dr Dyers smiled lightly as he carried on writing. "A sensible woman then."

Andy nodded to himself. "I know she thinks I'm a mess, I know I'm a mess, but I wanna do better. Not just for me but for her. I can't really afford to lose anyone else, and she's really the only person I've got who hasn't judged me."

"People have judged you? Why?"

"They've been judging me more since they found out what my dad did. People who I once knew and worked with turned their back on me, others still thought Jacob was guilty of murder when he wasn't. Then there was Laurie...they looked at me as though I was the one whose fault it was. The guy with the insane wife and the killer kid..." He paused. "When I told Genevieve? She never looked at me like others did. She knew about what my dad did and still wanted to be my friend when we were kids. I told her about Laurie and Jake? She just topped up my coffee and said I needed to get some help, that she'd be there..."

Dyers continued writing. "Talking is a good method of expressing how we feel, to have someone as a 'lifeline' with something like this is incredibly important. We bottle up our feelings they begin to fill and fill – a bit like a soda bottle, and then when we can't take anymore it shakes up and pops. So having someone to talk to about all of that can deter a build-up. You've been building up over the last year, and now it is all tipping out it will clear your mind. Of course you won't feel better straight away, you'll have bad days, but that's where that someone comes in. Other methods can also be through colour therapy, going for a walk, I have a list I can give to help you when it feels like it's all getting on top of you."

He could accept that.

"Now...let's talk about the day of the accident."

Immediately he froze. "No...I...I really don't feel comfortable..." he'd never spoken about that day to anyone. Only briefly when explaining what had happened to Jacob but not fully going into detail.

Dyers could see this was a trigger and nodded slowly. "Is it because you don't want to relive it? Or because there is something more to that day that is triggering you?"

Andy took the plastic cup of water that had he'd filled from the dispenser before he'd sat down and drank. "I can't talk about it – not yet."

"How do you feel about your wife Andy?" Dyers tried another approach. "You were very coy on the subject during the induction."

How did he feel about Laurie? Oh boy what a question. "I thought I knew her." He shrugged. "I mean I did but...well after everything that happened it turns out I didn't."

"What would you ask her if she were here now?"

Andy sighed. "Was it my fault?"

He'd been blaming himself a long time about this. Could he have done something different? Said something different? Loved her more? He couldn't forgive Laurie, and he never would. All the feelings he'd once felt had disappeared and instead of mourning her, Andy had found that he was cursing her instead.

Dyers looked up from his notebook. "The one thing to know Andy? It wasn't your fault."

"It might have been, guess I'll never know..."

"Did you kill your son, Andy? Did you drive him off the road?" Dyers now asked and Andy shook his head. "Exactly. You are not to blame."

"I could have done something though..."

Dyers interrupted. "Did you know what your wife had planned?"

"No."

"Well then you couldn't have done anymore than you already had. We can spend our lives pondering on the 'what if' Andy, but at the end of the day it's just taking up time where we could be enjoying ourselves. You only get one life, and even though you feel yours has hit the bottom, you'll get back up again and live to enjoy the rest of it."

Andy let out a small 'ha' and looked at Dyers. "I wish I could be as positive as you."

"That's an affirmation you'll need as well. Think positive, look forward. You can't change something that's already happened, no matter how much you want to. Focus on something you want and go for it."

Focus.

Focus on something you want...

Andy just wanted to make it through day by day, but he also wanted to at least go through the rest of his life with some closure. Even if the inquest had ruled the deaths were purposely caused it was still not enough. He needed to find some acceptance and a reason to move on. 

That was his focus. He wanted to move on, but to do that he needed to actually make the effort. 

And he would. 

Not just for himself but for Jacob too. He owed his son that much.