Cheesy Movie | ONC translation

Scene four

Did you know that the sun has a temperature of 13 million degrees? The blood of a desperate screenwriter who's sick of the goddamn disco next door boils to ten times that temperature every time he hears another drum solo.

The screenwriter was very patient, he endured the ramble for three hours, but he's no saint! And if he is to have any chance of finishing his crap, he needs the asshole next door to TURN OFF HIS FUCKING RADIO!!!

But the neighbor is an idiot, he doesn't understand anything, so the screenwriter gets up from his desk, takes his gun out of the drawer, knocks on his door, and as soon as his chubby smug face appears in it, he starts shooting like a soldier who's wandered into the camp of his enemy.

He shoots and shoots and shoots until the rock-lover's face turns into an unshapely pink mush-

"No." Arnošt muttered, deleting the last few sentences in an otherwise blank document, to which he of course hadn't added a word of the script itself in the last three hours. "That's too mild..."

The screenwriter takes a knife and chops off one finger after the other of his idiotic neighbor. Finally, he pulls down his pants and cuts off his-

"No." Arnošt repeated with a sigh, once again deleting his sadistic fantasy. "That's too disgusting even for me."

But then a passionate drummer solo came from the next room, and Arnošt reconsidered his opinion about the aesthetic acceptability of filmography.

He cuts off his dick and throws it to his beloved carp. He makes him watch how the fat fish eat it, and then finally smashes his head against the radio, which not only kills him but also finally turns off the terrible music.

The screenwriter then lived happily ever after.

THE END

Arnošt sighed and pushed away the half-broken old computer, whose screen he had been staring at for hours. And what had he come up with in that time?

That he could either commit suicide or brutally kill his neighbour... either way, his prospects were really amazing. Death or a duel with a madman... a duel? What if he wrote a western where the two main characters shoot each other in a duel? They both shoot at the same time and fall into the dust in some desert... and there's the problem. How do you get the desert?

That would cost too much money. He needed to write something that could be filmed on a housing estate, or at a swimming pool, whose owner always lent them the space in exchange for being able to promote his home-brewed slivovitz for five minutes in the film.

But these premises had no potential! They'd already filmed everything they could.

They had a drug dealer romance, even in three versions- boy x girl, boy x boy, and of course, for the horny guys who just wanted to see two girls getting naked, girl x girl. They had street gang wars, hazard hustlers fighting, and politicians getting murdered.

They even shot a whodunit detective movie there that revolved around an unknown corpse in a plastic container... this film, by the way, was made unplanned in the excitement of the moment, when they actually discovered a corpse in a container during the making of another film and decided to save on extras and make a quick B-movie before the dead body smell went beyond the point of tolerability.

Next they had a terrorist attack on a shop, a hostage in the bathroom, and an apartment burglar who for God knows what reason was targeting lamp shades. Well, tell me, what more could you possibly do with such limited resources?! This set had no more potential... and neither did Arnošt. He'd had enough.