Torn Apart (Bellatrix, Narcissa X Reader) [Book 1]

Chapter 18 - Doubts

I don't know if I should say that I am in a relationship, but I feel like it. Every time, all I could ever think of is about Bellatrix. And all the things that had happened, to all the things leading up to the other night when she made an appearance. It has been two weeks since we got back here at Hogwarts. Things were normal and crazy. Bella had visited me once and only that one time, I haven't heard anything since after that other night. I'm getting concerned and worried about her all over again. I was daydreaming about how my life could be different if I just told her on the very first time I met her that I was a half-blood. I kept asking if this would have altered my life, would she hate me? or would she just accept me for whatever my blood status is? I can't seem to make my mind straight. 

"Y/n, you okay in there?" Pansy asked as she knocked on my door. I came back to reality with the sound of the knocking.
"Uh, yeah. Fine. I was just-" I looked around to think of an excuse,
"Just looking for my Potions book. I'll be right out."
"Okay, I'll wait for you in the foyer. Don't be too long, I don't want to miss breakfast." I quickly grabbed my Potions book that was laying on top of the pile of books. I opened the door before she could walk away.
"All set. Let's go." Then we both walked downstairs and met together with the boys. As we were heading towards the loud Great Hall, I bumped into Harry and fell to the floor.
"Oh sorry y/n" he helped me get up.
"Hey watch it, Potter," Draco said as he pushed Harry aside. He seemed provoked by the push, he stared at Draco, and before he tried to jump on Draco, Ron and Hermione stopped him.
"Harry, don't. He's not worth it."
"You, watch it, Weasley. You too, Mud-blood." Then they went into the Great Hall before us.
"You alright?" Pansy asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." She tried to help me by brushing off some dirt on my robe but I always hated when people give me that much pity so I pushed her hand away gently.
"I'm fine. It's okay." Whatever it is, someone might have told their friends and more about what had happened outside the hall because when we walked in, I could feel their eyes are looking at me. I ignored it all, and just lift my head up but deep inside, I'm embarrassed. Even after I sat down, and minded my own business at the Slytherin table, I could still feel the eyes staring at me. But of course, when I turned around to look at them, their heads just turned away from me and act like they did not just talk and whisper about me. I kept my head down, anxiety floods my brain. I wasn't eating much, I didn't want to talk. My head is just full of doubts about Bella, and now this adding up, it makes me feel dumber and dumber. 

I could hear a slight whispering and giggling going on at the back,
"Did you see her fall just now? That's embarrassing." I took a deep breath, let it all out. But my anxiety rose, and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I rushed outside the Great Hall and into the bathroom, of course not the one with Moaning Myrtle. I locked myself in one of the cubicles, I was pacing back and forth inside, unbuttoning two of the buttons on my shirt so I could breathe easier. I rubbed my chest while my body was just shaking, I keep doing slow breathing exercises to keep my mind at ease. My hands then found their way to the necklace and I hold it in longer. I finally feel calm, well just a bit. I sat on the ground and then broke down into tears, realizing that I made a fool out of myself. Running out the hall like a little girl. I'm covering my face with both my palms, crying an ocean because at that moment the person I needed to be around me was Bellatrix. I longed for her touch and the feelings of her lips, the warmth, everything. But how am I supposed to know where she is now, it's not like she can give me a sign or anything. Just then the sound of the door slammed open,
"Y/n, are you alright?" she knocked on the door. It was Pansy, and she is not alone. She brought Professor McGonagall as well,
"Miss y/l/n, let's get you to the hospital wings, Madam Pomfrey can take a look at you."
I took a deep breath and wiped the tears in my eyes before opening the door, I stared down to the ground trying to avoid any eye contact with Professor McGonagall. She reached out her hands and asked Pansy to accompany me. We walked side by side, and in quietness.
"Are you okay?" she asked with a worried look on her face.
"No. I had an attack pf both panic and anxiety. Those students were laughing at me earlier."
We got to the Hospital Wings, and I let myself in. Pansy wanted to wait outside, but I asked her to just go. I looked around for Madam Pomfrey and see her tending another student while wrapping the students hand with bandage.
"Sit there for a moment Miss y/l/n. I'll get back to you later." she said as she saw me standing in front of the door. I walked over to the side, the necklace in my hands again, I finally sat down.
"I heard what happened. You had an attack is it?" I nodded my head, then she gave me a pill and a glass of water.
"Here, this will help you. I told you before, always practice the deep breathing I taught you if you had the attack." I feel embarrassed again, I looked down.
"Now, drink up. Just remember to breathe." she said while patting my arm gently, I gave her a smile and nodded my head. 

I stayed the whole time in my room, Madam Pomfrey gave me a slip so I have an excuse to skip my classes. I lay there in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to get my mind off of the incident. I closed my eyes for a moment, doing the breathing exercise again. Then a knock on the door.
"Y/n dear, are you alright?" A voice I recognized but haven't heard for some time. I opened the door, and see Narcissa. In her hands were a bottle and something wrapped in a blanket, the blanket that Bella covered me with when I stayed there. I made way for her to enter and she hugged me.
"Wait I'm sorry, don't get me wrong, but why are you here?" I looked at her confused. I sat on the bed and she followed along,
"A letter was sent to me, about Draco, in one of his class. Nothing bad, really. So I came in and heard that you were in the Hospital Wings, getting treated." she sighed.
"Oh, and how did you know I was here, in my room?"
"I saw Professor McGonagall on my way to see you at the Hospital Wings. She told me everything, and she also said that Madam Pomfrey gave you a slip, that you were told to rest. So I came here, after I apparated home so I can bring you these." she raised the bottle and unwrapped the blanket which reveals small scented pillow.
"This is actually just green tea, and I got you some dark chocolate too. I thought it might help." she handed the bottle to me, I pointed at the pillow,
"And those are?"
"Ah well, just something you can hold when you're feeling nervous, anxious or even when you have panic attack. It has lavender scented to it, because it can help with anxiety, I think."
I smiled at her and took it from her then took a little sniff of the lavender. I feel the calmness, she was smiling at me. She grabbed my hands and said,
"I hope you would feel better soon. And don't think about it much alright?" I nodded and reassured her that I won't do so.

Of course, since the opportunity is here, I thought I asked her about Bella. But I can't really ask her about Bella straightforward and I don't want her to suspect anything just yet.
"So everything alright at the manor?" I smiled awkwardly, hoping that she won't sense anything.
"Yes, all is well. My husband and my sister had been so busy, I couldn't get a hold of them to stay at the manor."
"Oh, so they are all alright I assume?"
"Yes. But Bella these days, I don't know what got into her, she seems reckless at one point or another. I wanted to help but she doesn't want any." I looked at her with a slight of shock in my face that she immediately comfort me,
"Don't worry, it's all good. She's fine." A soft smile appear on my face but I thought to myself,
"Oh shit, does she know that I have feelings for her sister? why is she saying that? was I being so obvious for worrying and does it look like I'm asking about Bella?" She pats my hand softly, calling my name repeatedly.
"Are you okay? you zoned out a bit there."
"Uh yes, I'm fine." She stood up and left the blanket on the bed still.
"Well, I should go now. I hope you feel a lot better soon y/n." But before I could say anything about the blanket, she cuts me off.
"No no, don't worry about the blanket. I brought it along because I thought you might want to have it. I'm giving it to you so you can use it, just in case if the place get cold, and I know that might happen, I tell you that." she chuckled. She opened the door, and waved goodbye. 

*a/n: well, so sorry for the late update. i was pretty occupied with my assignments that i forgot about this. i hope you enjoy this one, eventhough i don't really know what to do with the ending of this chapter. but nonetheless, i really hope you like it. thanks for all the support, comments, and votes for this book. yall are so amazing, thank you!! take care, stay safe and have a great day or night wherever you might be <33