all i ever knew (eren jaeger x fem!oc)

all along

content warnings:
heavy smut, alcohol and drug consumption

- - -

I was seventeen when I first started having sex with the scum of the earth.

A few weeks after the loss of my family came an addiction to the buzz and thrill of burning alcohol down my throat, though now it seems to take four times as much to even feel a little out of sorts.

Naturally, the most common source of my obsession made its home in the weed-stenched house parties that decorated Marley's suburbs every evening. With a city as alive as Marley always was, as if running 24/7 on caffeine patches, a police-raided night was no more than a fourteen minute walk away.

After some time, meaning about two months, the alcohol was no longer enough of a distraction to ruffle away the stringent pain that plagued my every nerve connection. Thankfully, the next best thing seemed to be behind the closed doors of every situation I managed to throw myself into.

I didn't have anyone to help me through it, which at the time, was mortifying.

When I moved away from our original home in Paradis, my mother became my closest friend. She was the one who I'd run to after school, giddy to share how the cutest boy in my gym class had given me an authentic compliment about the way I seemed to always taken centre stage in our units. She was the one who'd slowly introduce me to her favourite romance novels and movies, being sure to pause and remark when a woman was being treated far too awful. She was the one who told me she'd never pass judgement on who I kissed, who I loved or who I gave myself to, she just wanted to know that I'd always have comfort in her when I wanted it.

And then she was gone.

I was left with a stack of movies and books we'd never get to. No person to confide in about being asked out on my first date. It was all left to rot and churn in the depths of my own mind.

Like anyone else, I taught myself. I sifted through the movies and analyzed physical scenes, using it as a mechanism to teach my innocent eyes and body. I'd pick up silly magazines and circle the most important pieces, all seeming to de-empower females in order to give the man the upper hand.

When the night came where my seven drinks barely managed to turn me tipsy, I sought a new addiction, a new thrill.

Letting the once cute boy from my gym class lead me behind the closed door of an empty bedroom, I set to enact the exact mannerisms that I had watched and read.

I allowed him to take over, to claim me as his own in the way his hands gripped heavily into the plush of my skin. He was the one dictating every move, wrapping his tongue around my own and dragging me into the soft bedding to land on my back. He was the one who held my hands above my head as he stripped me clean, grinding deeply against my waist.

But there was an issue.

It didn't feel good. At all.

It didn't feel good when he locked onto my neck, aligning his dick against the moisture of my folds. It didn't feel good a he shoved himself in, bottoming out and mumbling curse infused comments about the tightness he felt. And it sure as fuck didn't feel good to be absolutely helpless as he began to pick up a ravenous pace.

That's where I decided to fuck all the stupid shit I had seen about physical love.

[🎵 lilith - ellise]

Not lacking force at the time, I wedged my hands briskly from his grasp and used them to snatch his shoulders. My nails dug in deeply, flipping him over on his back as I kept our bodies connected.

His wide, horrified eyes were all I needed to start feeling the warm electricity in my core.

My meek, confused expression was replaced with a vile smirk as I clenched his throat, dipping my hips up and down as he squirmed beneath me.