Dawn | Suicidal Todoroki x Bakugou

11 | Found

So... It may or may not have been a year since I've written in here. I lost this notebook when we moved to our new dorms last year. I tried writing in another notebook, but I knew it would be annoying if I found this notebook again to have the sudden gap, so I abandoned that idea.

Well, a lot has happened. I was good about not getting back into my bad habits for a month or so, and honestly, it did feel nice not to have to hide my habits from anyone. But I ended up relapsing. Badly. I'd gotten rid of all my blades, but I forgot some of my glass shards. I saw them, and I told myself I didn't need to cut anymore, but I couldn't help it. I remembered the sensations, and I gave in. I cut my wrists so badly that I went to the hospital for it. They said I was lucky to have made it—I'd lost so much blood. They kept me there for a bit under suicide watch too.

Mom and Natsuo found out about my cutting problem because of that. They were both heartbroken, shocked, and terrified. They thought I tried to kill myself. That's very blunt, but I don't know what else to say.

After that, I slowly relapsed back into my other old habits. I haven't had another incident like that since then, though.

I feel like I've gone back and forth from wanting to sleep all day and wanting to be productive. Some days, I don't even leave my dorm. Others, I'm doing my work and exercising outside. It's been this way for the past few months. I don't know why. I don't know when it happens or what makes me shift from one state to the other. It just happens.

My relationship with Katsuki is weird. I told him he doesn't have to be with me, and he took that as if I wanted to say I wanted to break up. He said I could leave at any point if he was just annoying to me. I said I didn't mean it like that, and that I just thought it was nothing but a burden to be with me. That he'd be so much happier with someone else. That I'm not worth how much time and effort he spends on me and my bad habits. Even though this happened months ago, I remember exactly what Katsuki said: "Maybe you're right. Y'know, it's a fucking pain in the ass to deal with all your mental problems. I could've had a boyfriend that doesn't cut his fucking wrists every day. That actually loves me. That isn't a suicidal trainwreck."

He hit me.

I didn't even see him throw his fist at me, and I'm glad I didn't. Endeavor might be gone, but the lasting effects of his abuse aren't.

I rubbed my forehead where he hit me, and I said, "I was waiting for the day you'd admit how much it's killing you to be with me. I knew it was true." I started to walk away, but that's when I found out that I was wrong.

I didn't care if that's how we broke up, or if that's what he thought of me. But he did. He pulled me into his chest. He said he didn't mean any of what he said, and he just wanted to see if I felt anything over his words.

After that, I've distanced myself from him more so he doesn't have to be around me. He noticed, and he asked me about it, but I said I've just been busy. Nothing has been the same. I think I fucked up our relationship.

Maybe this is a sign he needs to move on from me and find someone that truly makes him happy. I'm obviously not that person. I don't think something like me should even have the right to be with someone else.

Yeah. I think I've found my optimal solution to end this mess.