It's been a few months, and things still feel the same. I haven't really gotten better, but I think I'm drinking less. But exams are coming up soon, and so is the end of this year.
Katsuki hasn't made me go to therapy. He brings it up, and he does want me to go, but he said that he also wants me to want this for myself; I'll probably get the most out of it if it's something I want to do. But he also made it clear that he's going to get me help if he has a reason to worry that I'll be putting my life in danger again.
I don't care if my life is thrown away. I don't care about anyone or anything. Not myself, not my family, not my friends, not my significant other. I used to, but I learned it was a burden to feel anything or care about anything. Why care if that's going to hurt you in the end? Everything you love and care about is going to disappear. I've been told bonds and relationships are important, but I see it all as a waste of time when I can just pretend to care and not be burdened by getting tangled up in a mess of emotions.
You could argue I'm just using the people around me for my own benefit. I wouldn't say you're wrong. That's wrong and cruel of me? That's what you see it as; I see it differently, and who's to say the majority is even right? I think it's all just opinion, and our opinions are biased by the predominant opinions ingrained in us from the start that separate "right" from "wrong." We observe and learn from the majority, and we don't question why murder is wrong. Ask any normal person if they think murder is wrong, and they'll likely say yes without any nuance to their statement. But what if you brought in the detail of "in self-defense," or something like that? Would they keep to their opinion, or would they say murder is wrong in most or some cases?
But most will tell you that murder is obviously wrong. There's the bias I was talking about. The immediate response is typically that murder is wrong. But while you could say the act of murder is always wrong, even if the situation makes it acceptable for some reason, why is it wrong, then? Emotions and morals? Well, those are highly subjective, and they're influenced greatly by what we experience and grow up with. I'm not saying murder is "right," but I'm also not saying it's "wrong." In my opinion, nothing is "black and white." It's all gray. I wonder how many people I'd upset by saying that, despite already having explained myself. How many find my views to be incomprehensible? Hence, emotions and all that are unnecessary to me. Well, I talked about this for too long. Moving on.
Something happened this morning. I was standing on the bridge on my way back home from my dorm, and the urge to jump pumped through my veins. To finally write the end to my story, to keep my heart pounding and make it pound to its zenith before going cold, to feel the rush of adrenaline from jumping and falling...
But someone called my name. I turned my head, and a boy that was maybe nine or ten years old was walking up to me.
"Shouto, please don't."
I looked down at the boy, and the conversation went about like this:
"Why do you think I want to jump?"
"Because...people say awful things without any real evidence, you know? They don't know for sure, but they say these things so openly like it's the truth. So, if it's not true, you probably feel really bad. It's not fun being bullied for being different."
He definitely said more than that, but I can't remember everything. I remember looking at the boy whose name I still don't know, and he had a thick, distant, incomprehensible look in his dark green eyes. He was the one looking over the edge, and I was the one looking at him.
"Have you ever felt like that?" I asked him.
"When I saw you, and how you kept going after all this, I...I wanted to be like that. Y-You've gone through so much, but you keep fighting. You keep living. And...you don't cry when things get too difficult."
I knelt down to this boy who was sniffling and crying, and while I wanted to walk away because this entire conversation was a waste of my time, I smiled at him and reached my hand out to him.
"It's okay to cry. The heroes in my life cry too. Even though heroes keep fighting, they're still human...just like you."
The boy took my hand and hugged me, so I hugged him back. He told me that he was bullied for being weak and very emotional, and that he wanted to jump from this bridge, but he could never bring himself to; he didn't want to bring that grief onto his friends and family, and he wanted to be there for them always. I should've felt bad for him, but I didn't, and I still don't. I'm not the one going through it.
A part of me wanted to push him off just to see if I'd regret it.
He felt bad for me because I'm always saving people, but no one is saving me. Well, I guess that's one way to look at me. It's definitely played up because he admires me and wants to defend me, but he's more accurate than the majority.
His empathy is incomprehensible. I understand why he feels the way he does, but no matter how hard I try, I can't see things the same way. I know why certain things make us sad, but how can those things make us sad? They shouldn't. There's no reason, and yet, of course there's a reason, and I understand that reason, but it's just illogical.
That boy was just another person to me. I don't care what happens to him. But, again, that doesn't mean I want him to do anything reckless. Even though he's just a nameless memory, he'll live in my memories, and he'll live in this notebook.
Maybe he saved me from jumping, maybe he didn't. I don't know. But I didn't jump. I'm still here. I have so many reasons to live, but I have more reasons to die. Why haven't I given in to these urges to die that won't leave my head?
YOU ARE READING
Dawn | Suicidal Todoroki x Bakugou
Fanfiction"I don't see a point in living. Living like this is just too tiresome... When will the shadow of yesterday disappear?" "Oi, I know it's beyond just draining to keep living, but there will never be a point to life until you find that point. Do you wa...
